No walk in the park

Postpartum depression.

It's real.

It exists.

My journey in motherhood the fourth time around has not been easy. I have struggled, sometimes daily. I haven't felt like myself in a while. I have been angry and sad. I have felt regret and have struggled to bond with my baby. I have felt less then a good mom at times, because my other children I feel have been neglected in the way that I haven't been able to spend time with them. I feel like I am trapped on the couch for long periods of time nursing Miles.

I guess this spiral started in the hospital. I wanted to badly to have a VBAC, my previous child was an emergency c section and I didn't want to go through that again. I ended up at the hospital in labor and was so happy and so positive I felt like I was going to get my VBAC. Until they realized that baby was face presenting, and my hopes were quickly dashed. The OB said it was too risky and it would in fact be another c section for me. I cried. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn't stop them. I knew the recovery and the limitations that were going to be put on me. I didn't want it. But I didn't have a choice.

I walked into the OR and sat on the table. Waited for them to give me the spinal all the while having to endure excruciating contractions. They laid me down and started the surgery. Everything went according to plan and Miles came into the world at 6:13pm. But I didn't hear Anything. And like any new Mother would do anxiety started to creep in and I kept saying I don't hear him, is he OK? My husband just said they are working on him he is ok. What I didn't exactly know at the time was that his cord was wrapped around his neck several times and they had to give him extra oxygen because he had swallowed a lot of the meconium before being born. And after what felt like hours they finally brought him over for me to see.

After I was done in recovery I was brought over to the postpartum side. And here is where my struggles really began. The pain set in and I couldn't stop throwing up. My nurse the first night was amazing as I kept apologizing to her every time she had to come in and clean me up from throwing up, with one time having to change all the bedding. She was always so nice and smiled and said "don't worry about it these things happen, you just had major surgery."

You just had major surgery.

I always forget that part. You are literally cut open and a baby is brought through that incision site. They go through multiple layers in your body, including muscle and trust me you use you stomach muscles for way more then you think you do.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I should be able to walk to the bathroom and walk the hallway a little bit, but I can't. I can't even get out of bed. I tried to move in bed and got stuck. A nurse came into my room and saw me in this awkward position in bed and asked if I was OK, and I replied in tears to her that I was stuck and couldn't move. After that I had a nurse come in and talk to me, I assume she was the boss. She asked me several questions and then asked me if the nurse was meeting my needs. And like usual I wanted to answer yes because I didn't want to be "that person", but this was my health my recovery and no they were not meeting my needs. My pain was being mismanaged.

After that conversation, everything felt like it was starting to fall into place. By the afternoon I felt way better and was even able to get up and get a shower. I felt like a new person. Like I was finally able to get a hold on everything and that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But that light it quickly disappeared.

We finally arrived home on the Wednesday, Miles was born on Sunday evening. And I struggled greatly. There were times where I just sat and cried while Miles cried. There were times that I thought to myself, what was I thinking having another child. I didn't feel that instant bond with my baby. I didn't want to touch him at times. I felt like a Mom that was failing, not only my new baby but my other children as well. My two year old couldn't understand why I couldn't pick her up. I was tired all the time. I had no energy for my older kids.

Five weeks in and I was engulfed in a big black dark hole. I didn't feel myself. I was angry way too much. I felt like I was just going through the motions of the day. I wasn't looking forward to much. Christmas this year felt like a big daunting day, and if you know me you know that I am still a child at heart with Christmas. I love this time of year, I love watching my kids open their presents on Christmas morning and love getting together with family. And this year I just felt so meh about everything.

Christmas Eve, after finally getting Miles to sleep after three hours of trying I hear a ping on my phone. My Mom was texting me.

"Are you okay?"  She said.

"yeah just really tired."

"I'm worried about your health, let me know how I can help." She said.

I texted her back with a long answer with basically saying I felt like a burden on people and that I didn't want to burn her out on trying to help me so I don't ask that often. She replied with a thanks for sharing my feelings and that I matter to her and so do my kids.

"Ping" my phone goes off again.

"I don't like seeing you in so much pain." She said.

I cried. A lot.

I finally replied back.

"I don't feel like myself and I haven't for a while."

"I think you have depression." She said.

Postpartum depression can creep up on you. It can set in without you even realizing what is going on until everything starts come crashing down around you. In a house full of people I feel so alone. It's difficult sometimes to vocalize how I feel or what I need at times. I have people around me that want to help, but the feeling of being a burden on people always comes creeping back in.

But I'm trying to get better at it. I'm trying to become more accepting of saying yes when someone wants to help. I went out the other day just me and Nora. It wasn't for long, but I was able to be separated from Miles for a bit and it felt good. Did I miss a feeding with him, yes but he lived with one time being fed with formula. Which I am not against, all my kids have either been all formula fed or at a certain time been switched over to formula. And Nora had so much fun being the only one with Mom. And I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it just being Nora and I doing errands together.

Postpartum depression needs to be talked about more. More Moms need to know other peoples stories, so they don't feel alone. So they don't feel like they are less then a Mother if they do have it. They need to know that it doesn't look the same in each person.

The stigma needs to be removed.

Postpartum depression is real.

It does exist.

Don't ignore it.

Week one down!

So it's been a week.

At times it has felt like the longest week, but we made it!

I am excited to say that Thomas is no longer on any medications! That's right, none! He is able to maintain his sugar levels within a normal range without medication and just by changing his diet. I am shocked at how quickly everything happened! In a matter of just a couple of days he stopped taking a new medication that he was on and went back to taking metformin only and then the next day was able to cut that dosage in half and a day after that was able to stop taking it completely! He has also lost 6 lbs.

Low carb high fat diet does actually work to reverse type two diabetes!

And along my journey in this, not only supporting my husband, but I have also lost 9 lbs. Minimal carbs and high fat. And it tastes good!

I won't lie, we have had those moments where we dream of something we wish we could be eating. Where we just sit and have this conversation about something that we really want at that moment. But the results are too good to just throw it all away.

I was telling my Mom the other day, that I walked into the grocery store and I was looking around and everything carb just stuck out to me. And she was like "yeah you feel like your allergic to it now!" And in a way its true. I'm actually more aware of what has carbs in it now then I was a week ago.

So here is to another upcoming successful week on LCHF diet!

Every journey.....

Begins with a single step.

My husband and I are starting on a new journey. We are set on trying a new way to eat. Our initial reason for wanting to do this was to reverse his type two diabetes. And for support I thought I would also partake in this journey and see if I could not improve myself as well.

We have started eating low carb high fat. Strange you may think because we all try to avoid those high fat foods. Thinking that it is bad for us. When really the carbohydrates are the true problem. You see the more carbohydrates you eat, the more sugar there is going to be in the bloodstream. Which is not good for a diabetic. Yet a dietitian will tell a diabetic to eat between  30-60 grams of carbohydrates at meals and 15-30 grams if your having a snack.

They are telling a diabetic to ingest sugar.

Also on the food pyramid that we are all well aware of, the biggest part is the bottom, which is all carbohydrates!

Might be an indicator why diabetes has been on the rise.

So here we are night one of low carbohydrates and high fat. I wasn't sure what kind of meals we would find and how tasty they would be. We all know so many fad diets out there where you get to eat food that tastes like cardboard. Let me tell you, fat tastes amazing! And better yet we are not going to be hungry in a couple of hours, unlike if you were to eat a high carbohydrate meal. You can eat until you feel satisfied and better yet, there is no calorie counting or weighing your food!

We tried our first meal, bacon mushroom cheeseburger lettuce wraps. It was so good! I accidentally put the cheese on top, but it tasted all the same either way.

So our journey we have decided to start with a two week challenge and see how it goes.

I'll keep you posted!

P.S I have put a couple of links to a couple of videos we watched. And also the site that we are getting all these amazing recipes from!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l55OjWS9pEc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da1vvigy5tQ

https://www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb/recipes/lunch-dinner

The tough stuff

Deep breath, you can do this.

I'm four and a half months into it. And to be honest it hasn't been all skittles and rainbows. It's been tough. Exhausting. But I push through the dark days, because I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that these days will soon be behind me.

I didn't realize it at the time, but when my second child was born I suffered from postpartum depression. (PPD) It sucked me into it's black hole. I had a difficult time dealing with things. A baby and a three year old at the time. It was more then I could handle then. But somehow I made it out of the darkness. I made it to the other side. I had at the time reached out for help. I went to my family doctor and I was very open with her about my feelings and thoughts. The response I got from her was nothing that I expected to get and it made me shut down completely. I wanted to say nothing else to her and I just wanted to leave.

I never sought anymore help after that.

I suffered and dealt with it on my own.

The cards are stacked against me. I have a family history of depression. And I didn't want it to happen to me, but here I am. It's so difficult to admit. It is difficult as a mother to reach out and admit defeat and admit that I need help. I wanted to be super Mom. I wanted to be the one to do everything for my children.

But I can't.

Nora is four and a half months old and the black hole is trying to suck me in again, I'm trying my best to keep my head afloat, but it gets the best of me sometimes. I have learned when to walk away now. I know the baby will be OK to cry for a minute. As I gather myself up and count to 10....or 20 and go back in to settle her. I know when I should reach out for help and it's always helpful for me to be able to talk to someone and let them know that I am struggling in that moment.

I wish everyday that I didn't feel like this. But I'm getting through it. I hand off Nora to daddy more often now. I find days that are not as cold and take walks. We like to go for our daily Starbucks run with Bugga. It's the little things that help me get through a tough day.

But they are not all bad.

I love it in the mornings when Nora first wakes up and she greets me with that goofy gummy smile. I love seeing her interact with her brother and sister. I love those quiet moments when she falls asleep in my arms. She has caught onto the game of peek a boo and absolutely loves it.

My love for my children only grows more each day. I know there might be a storm or two ahead, but the clouds will clear and the sun will shine.

The strength of a baby

I was sitting up with our almost four month old the other night for one of those million of the night feedings. We sit there in silence and stare at each other. The rest of the house asleep and completely quiet. And she grips my fingers with such strength that they actually start to go numb after a bit. And all I could think was this moment came close to not happening.

I can't help myself. I keep going back to those moments. The moments where we almost lost our little girl. It was terrifying. And I know most people might be tired of hearing me say it, but to this day I am still processing it. I'm still trying to come to terms with everything that had happened, to both her and I. My third child and the birth should have been a breeze. It was anything but. My emotions still run high when I let my mind think about it too much. I don't let a lot of people know how I feel most of the time. It's hard to express my exact feelings, or what exactly I feel. I think most times that people won't understand how I'm feeling because it's not something that they experienced. 

I'm not sure if this is something I will ever get over. I don't know if there will ever be a day where tears don't start to pool in my eyes. I don't know how others deal with things like this. And I'm not sure how I'm suppose to process my feelings. 

There are days though that I get frustrated with her. I'm sleep deprived. My patience wears thin. I have two other children begging for my attention and then it hits me in those moments. I could have walked away that day without a third child. I try to enjoy the moments, and take everything in, because it's amazing that she, a tiny little human had the strength that day to hold on. To fight. To make it through to live. The strength of a baby is amazing. 

They are tiny, but they are mighty.

So squeeze my finger as tightly as you want baby girl. For on our toughest days I need that small reminder to not take a moment for granted.

Welcome Nora Belle!

We were team green for this pregnancy!

Just like my other two children, this one wanted to keep the tradition alive and stay in past their due date. I thought this being our third child I would get a little lucky and they might decide to come a little early. No such luck for me.

Days kept passing by and I kept getting false labor signs. I even had time-able contractions, but they ended up going nowhere. The date was set for an induction Saturday September 3rd our third child would be here. Well the baby had other plans.

The night before on Friday I had decided to get my last relaxing bath I was going to have for a while. Sitting there relaxing I sat forward and felt something. Thinking to myself surely that can't be my water?! I didn't feel anything else so I didn't think much of it. Well until there was another gush of fluid and there was no mistaking it this time! I got up from the bath and it wouldn't stop!

Finally was able to make to the point where I was dressed, which was pointless because I was already soaking wet. Called down to my husband he better get some towels for the car because it's not stopping. Called my Mother, who was able to basically fly over here on her bike in a speed I had not seen before from her!

And we were off to the hospital.....on labor day weekend no less!

Did I forget to mention that the highway was packed on this day?! In town route it was to be. Which was just as equally packed to let you know.

Days later....I mean what felt like days later we reached the hospital. We reached the delivery ward and were triaged to make sure that it was actually my water that had broken. I was like listen ladies I surely didn't pee myself the whole way here, I have it running down my legs for crying out loud!

Finally we were admitted and on our way at around 7:00 pm. We had a great nurse and for the first time we didn't have our OB, but the one on call was just as nice. She ended up breaking my fore waters and was feeling for the head and she got a weird look on her face. The OB determined that our baby was face presenting. She was trying to come out looking at the world and wanting to see everything first hand. I was told that the only thing I had in my favor at this point was that this was my third child. So she was going to to wait and see if the baby changed it's position.

Things started to get interesting the first time the alarm went off. I had heard that type of alarm before with our daughter Brynleigh, so I wasn't too overly concerned at that point. The nurse casually came in and turned it off, like it was no big deal. She was still in the room when she witnessed the next decel happen. The baby's heart rate slowed down so much I honestly thought it was going to stop. The next thing I knew the nurse was yelling out into the hallway for more help. I was put on oxygen in a matter of seconds. From there things just seemed to happen all too quickly. The OB had come in and was reading a consent form to me. Consent for a C section. My emotions were all over the place. The one thing I didn't want to happen was going to happen. And there was no decision to make. If I wanted our baby to be born alive it had to happen.

I calmed myself down, eventually and called my Mother before going into the OR. I wanted her to know that I was OK. We entered the OR and they did all their usual prep work. And before I knew it they had started the surgery. All was going well, until they saw exactly what was going on with the baby. I could hear the shock in their voices. Our baby was not only face presenting, but she also had the cord wrapped around her neck three times and there was a knot in the cord. I didn't hear her cry for the longest time after she came out. It was all I kept saying to my husband. "I don't hear her, I don't hear her." I could only think the worse.

And then the first cries happened and relief washed over me.

My husband asked if I wanted to know what the baby was. I really wanted to see our baby first, so one of the nurses took a picture and Thomas showed me. I couldn't believe it, another girl! It's all I kept saying. I was really shocked!

I am so thankful for the medical team that day. We were told that we are very lucky that Nora is with us today. I went through a tough time the day after in the hospital accepting the fact that I had a C section and what could've happened that day.

And now we are home and Nora, so far has been the most easy going baby out of all of them. I'm still recovering, but things will be back to normal with me eventually.

The last school lunch

The last school lunch of the year is packed and ready to go for the morning.

It's a day I look forward to all year long. The day where I no longer have to gather the same foods every evening and pack his lunch. But it also brings to a close another year of achievements and hard lessons learned.

I had mixed emotions about Logan starting grade one. I had a lot of fears about the struggles he would face and if he was going to be able to overcome them. And I was worried if my voice was going to be loud enough this year to be heard.

He did, and my voice was nice and loud!

Logan learned new ways to cope this year and he learned that not every child is the same and that we all learn at different speeds and that's OK. He learned that we don't need to compare ourselves to one another and that his achievements that he meets are the greatest for him in his own ways.

I am ever so grateful for the teacher that he had this past year. She actually listened to what I had to say and made things happen. She came in countless mornings to work with Logan on a program for his writing. She met with me whenever I had concerns and communicated so well. She was a dedicated teacher.

I have learned many new things about Logan this past year as well. And some things we are still getting to learn about him. As his mother I thought I knew everything there was to know about him, but school life is a completely different life then home life and I got a small glimpse into that when I was observing him during an assessment he had.

Logan is still eager to learn, although he does have his days where he doesn't like school as much, but his love for learning is still there.

He is very excited to begin his journey in grade two and our ASD journey will continue on. Teaching us all a little something along the way.