The strength of a baby

I was sitting up with our almost four month old the other night for one of those million of the night feedings. We sit there in silence and stare at each other. The rest of the house asleep and completely quiet. And she grips my fingers with such strength that they actually start to go numb after a bit. And all I could think was this moment came close to not happening.

I can't help myself. I keep going back to those moments. The moments where we almost lost our little girl. It was terrifying. And I know most people might be tired of hearing me say it, but to this day I am still processing it. I'm still trying to come to terms with everything that had happened, to both her and I. My third child and the birth should have been a breeze. It was anything but. My emotions still run high when I let my mind think about it too much. I don't let a lot of people know how I feel most of the time. It's hard to express my exact feelings, or what exactly I feel. I think most times that people won't understand how I'm feeling because it's not something that they experienced. 

I'm not sure if this is something I will ever get over. I don't know if there will ever be a day where tears don't start to pool in my eyes. I don't know how others deal with things like this. And I'm not sure how I'm suppose to process my feelings. 

There are days though that I get frustrated with her. I'm sleep deprived. My patience wears thin. I have two other children begging for my attention and then it hits me in those moments. I could have walked away that day without a third child. I try to enjoy the moments, and take everything in, because it's amazing that she, a tiny little human had the strength that day to hold on. To fight. To make it through to live. The strength of a baby is amazing. 

They are tiny, but they are mighty.

So squeeze my finger as tightly as you want baby girl. For on our toughest days I need that small reminder to not take a moment for granted.