The tough stuff

Deep breath, you can do this.

I'm four and a half months into it. And to be honest it hasn't been all skittles and rainbows. It's been tough. Exhausting. But I push through the dark days, because I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that these days will soon be behind me.

I didn't realize it at the time, but when my second child was born I suffered from postpartum depression. (PPD) It sucked me into it's black hole. I had a difficult time dealing with things. A baby and a three year old at the time. It was more then I could handle then. But somehow I made it out of the darkness. I made it to the other side. I had at the time reached out for help. I went to my family doctor and I was very open with her about my feelings and thoughts. The response I got from her was nothing that I expected to get and it made me shut down completely. I wanted to say nothing else to her and I just wanted to leave.

I never sought anymore help after that.

I suffered and dealt with it on my own.

The cards are stacked against me. I have a family history of depression. And I didn't want it to happen to me, but here I am. It's so difficult to admit. It is difficult as a mother to reach out and admit defeat and admit that I need help. I wanted to be super Mom. I wanted to be the one to do everything for my children.

But I can't.

Nora is four and a half months old and the black hole is trying to suck me in again, I'm trying my best to keep my head afloat, but it gets the best of me sometimes. I have learned when to walk away now. I know the baby will be OK to cry for a minute. As I gather myself up and count to 10....or 20 and go back in to settle her. I know when I should reach out for help and it's always helpful for me to be able to talk to someone and let them know that I am struggling in that moment.

I wish everyday that I didn't feel like this. But I'm getting through it. I hand off Nora to daddy more often now. I find days that are not as cold and take walks. We like to go for our daily Starbucks run with Bugga. It's the little things that help me get through a tough day.

But they are not all bad.

I love it in the mornings when Nora first wakes up and she greets me with that goofy gummy smile. I love seeing her interact with her brother and sister. I love those quiet moments when she falls asleep in my arms. She has caught onto the game of peek a boo and absolutely loves it.

My love for my children only grows more each day. I know there might be a storm or two ahead, but the clouds will clear and the sun will shine.