Ottawa Half Marathon!

 What an experience, phew!

If we roll it back a little this all started in January. Its where my training and the road to running a half marathon began.

In the cold days of Janaury I began my journey to a half marathon. I took this training on solo. I was lucky to be able to get in a few runs with my mom when she came to visit , but the vast majority was done alone. I trained here in Ontario and my mom trained in New Brunswick. We would message each other when we had our long runs on Sunday's. Telling each other we could to do this and to keep going. The final last long run was a doozy and was very difficult to finish alone, but we both came out the other side feeling really good and ready to run the race. 

The anticipation was building all week, as neither of us could believe that race weekend was finally upon us. 

We packed up the car and away we went. We decided on the way out there we would travel the Bancroft way. So many memories were there. We stopped at a few places, Furnace Falls, Kinmount and even Bancroft itself. The windy twisty roads did a number on my stomach and I spent most the trip to Ottawa with car sickness. Good times!

We arrived in Ottawa in good time and were able to check in early. We made our way to go pick up our race kits and take in some the views. Dinner was had at the Byward Market and we finished the day off by taking in the 10k race watching the Canadian championships run in with Ben Flanagan defending his tital. 

Sunday, race day.

The day is here. I woke up and felt the jitters immediately. We both went through what we should wear and Mom probably changed a few times as she decided to bring about half her wardrobe to Ottawa! lol!

We started to make our way down at 8:00am, our race was due to start at 9:00am. I'm glad we left when we did. There was so many people there. 

The crowd was massive. Thousands upon thousands of people were there. You could literally feel the race day energy. We picked our spot to stand, and then changed it because we couldn't make up our minds. It took us about 15 minutes to actually reach the official start line, yes there was that many people running. 

Our countdown was on and the horn blew and we were off. 

Taking that first step was amazing. To be a part of this experience was unreal. 

There were so many people cheering. The atomsphere was truly alive. It felt like the people of Ottawa lived for this. Cheering on complete strangers. 

We passed many great signs, a lot made us smile and laugh. I'm not sure how they came up with some of them, but it kept us going. A few of my favourites were:

"This is a lot of work for a free banana"

"If trump can run so can you"

"Keep running naked runners ahead"

"You've been training longer then Kim Kardashians first marriage lasted"

"You run this race better then Jim runs this city"

"Remember back when you thought you couldn't do this and now you are"

That last sign really hit me hard. Because I remember feeling exactly that. I never thought I would accomplsih something like this. I never thought I would be capable of this. 

We also passed people playing live music, and dancers. 

These people, complete strangers cheering us on kept me going. The cheering felt like they gave us energy and when we gave some back they gave us even more. I can't thank them enough for being there that day. They made the race complete that day. Without them it wouldn't be the Ottawa race. 

Thank you to every last one of you.

The day was very sunny and extremely hot. I felt at times that I was melting to the pavement. I have to say the least enjoyable part of the run is when we crossed over to Quebec, but we made it through. A few people along the way unfortuantely were feeling the heat of the morning and needed medical attention, but I'm glad to say that there were no major medical emergencies that day. 

We crossed back over to Ottawa and were running along the canal. It was very much mind over matter at that point because right across the canal from us was the finish line and you could hear everyone cheering and seeing people cross the finish line, but we still had 3km to run at that point. I struggled a lot those last few kms. I could feel my calves wanting to seize up. I had to keep taking walk breaks to prevent that from happening and I remember constantly apologizing to mom because I knew she wanted to pick up the pace, but I just couldn't do it. 

We finally crossed the canal and were on the final stretch. 

We came around the bend and there it was.

The finish line.

It looked glorious. 

I couldn't believe that we had actually made it. 

As we crossed it together I cried. I had done this for me. I had pushed myself to my limits and probably a bit past. I had done it. I accomplished what I set out to do. To simply run and finish a half marathon. And there is no one else I would done it with other then my Mom. 

Although we didn't finish the race in 2:30 or under, there isn't anything that can take this accomplishment away from me. 

It was a great day filled with great people. I am so grateful to have been a part of it. 

Grandma

 Marjorie Belle Thomas, or better known to me as Grandma. 

I miss you.

We were welcomed into your life when my Mom made the big decision to adopt us. I'm not sure who got the better end of the deal, us or you. 

You had a profound impact on my life. I already miss the phone calls with you. Always making sure to end the call with "I love you."

When I became pregnant with Logan I knew I had to tell you in person. I drove out to see you that day specifically to tell you just that. I respected you and your beliefs and knew it was the right thing to do. You held my hand and told me "everything is going to be just fine." Your words of comfort still stay with me to this day. Your opinion always mattered to me.

When my wedding day arrived I knew that you had to be there. You and Grandpa, after all he was the one that walked me down the aisle that day. It was important for me to have you there. It wouldn't have felt complete without you.

When my second daughter was born I knew right away that we would carry on your name in a way. She would take your middle name Belle. I absoultely loved how you said her name every single time. I can still hear it now. "Oh is that Nora Belle?" You would say, always making sure to say her full name. I could hear how proud you were every single time. I will make sure while she grows up she knows and learns the honour that her middle name holds and the amazing woman that you were. 

I miss sitting around the dinner table with you, always offering seconds or thirds to everyone. No matter when we visited you always made sure that we had something to eat. You were always so willing to just scrounge up something for lunch. You were always so caring. 

I always enjoyed when I would bring the kids to visit. You always had such a big smile on seeing them. The house would be filled with laughter and screams from them. Sometimes I worried that they would make us all deaf! It was always an adventure to go in the backyard to the creek and cross the bridge. 

I remember our last visit with you a week ago, although at the time we didn't know it was going to be the last time we saw you. You carefully made your way down the front stairs and I embraced you with the biggest hug I have ever received from you. I will never forget it. I didn't want to let you go. I will be forever grateful for that day. 

You will always hold a special place in my heart. 

I am so lucky to have known you and to have been your granddaughter. 

I will love you always Grandma.

I'm Still Here!

 I didn't know it at the time, but I was about to begin a journey that would change my life.

During a pandemic (which we are still currently in) I invested in a running stroller and reunited with running. 

I had found myself in a spot in life where I was no longer happy. I had no energy. I had spent a long time battling PPD. I needed to find myself again after having four kids. I continually put myself on the backburner all the time. There was always something else that needed to be done, or something that someone needed. I am also a Mom of special needs children, so I found that, that took up a lot of my energy. Most days I had nothing left for myself. I was constantly drained and wanted to do nothing else, but plant my butt on the couch all day long. 

I had no desire for life.

But now, well now I am still tired but I can live with the reasons why. 

Yes having four kids is exhausting and yes I still am drained by the end of the day, but now its different. I feel more accomplished at the end of the day. I take time for myself. I have energy during the day now. I do more with my kids. I feel better about myself.

I found my happy.

There have been many small goals along the way for me. 

My first was to get down 20lbs. I did.

I wanted to run a 5km. I did. Multiple times. I've lost count!

In three months I was able to lose 30lbs.

I had another goal of being able to run 10km, something I had never done before. I have also accomplished that goal, many times over yet again.

A huge goal of mine was to run a half marathon. I shocked myself with attaining that goal. And I am dang proud to say I did that all on my own! 

Over the course of the past year I have been able to lose a total of 83lbs! Am I where I want to be, no. Am I happy to where I have gotten, yes! 

I truly never imagined that I would ever succeed this much. It truly is a process. One that you have to be patient with. It takes time. It takes a lot of hard work, consistency and dedication. I wish there was an answer I could give on why I succeeded with running, and the only thing that I can think of is that I honestly wanted it bad enough.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

No one is going to be there to do the work for you. You have to do it for yourself. You have to want it. 

When I first started running I started out with a pace of 10:49/km and I could barely get past 2km, today I can do a 5:26/km and my longest distance to date is a proud 21.1km! And I finally accomplished an under 5:00/km and smashed it with a 4:39km. 

I competed against myself. I had to dig deep some days to get out there and run. The hardest days were the cold winter days. I am extremely lucky that at that point in my journey it was then my mother decided to pick up running again. I am so thankful that I had a running partner to get me through those frigid cold nights with. And trust me you could probably here us hooting away sometimes because the wind and air were so bitterly cold. We pushed our limits together. Pushing each other farther and faster. And we had plenty of laughs along the way. Our ultimate goal is to run a half marathon together in person. I can't wait for the day when we can run together again, for now we will do it in different provinces. 

It's been a year. 

You never know what you are capable of until you try. 

You are only limited by the limits you set on yourself. 

Show up. 

This isn't the end of my journey. Running has become an addiction for me. I get bothered if it has been two days and I haven't been out for a run. I want to keep going to keep improving and finally be able to run races in person. 

Running changed my life. 

#IMSTILLHERE

To my Mom

 Mom,

I want Febuary to stay. March is coming all too quickly and before we know it you will be moving out East. 

I'm not ready.

I have always found solace in the fact that you were a mere two minute drive away. I remember calling you in the middle of the night when I went into labour with Brynleigh. The time I called you and told you my water broke with Nora after having a bath, and the final time when I called you and I was in labour with Miles. You were here in minutes, either by car or bike. 

You have always been here in minutes in my times of need, and it will be hard to accept the fact that you will no longer be within minutes of each other.

Through everything in life you have been my rock. 

My recent journey in life was to be a better version of myself. A healthier version of myself. I absolutely love that I sparked the joy of running in you again. And I have enjoyed every single one of our frigid evening and day runs together. You have cheered me on since day one. You are an enabler of running shoe buying and headbands. And we share a common joy for Lululemon! 

I will truly miss you on runs. With us hooting away as our bodies are shocked at the extreme cold temperatures until our bodies have adjusted, or we have lost all feeling in our extremeties! I love that you get a chuckle out of my reaction when we are passed by other runners, and I have to check our pace just to make sure we aren't running like snails. 

Just know this though, that even though you are moving away I will not stop. I will continue running and continue to get stronger and hopefully maybe one day the one passing other runners. 

I look forward to our first run together again when you return for a visit. 

Love, 

Charity

P.S In case you didn't know it, you are adored by your grandchildern and know that they will be calling you via messenger frequently. 

One Day, or Day One?

 In the middle of a pandemic I decided it was time to change my life. To be a better version of me. 

I chose day one.

In the early morning hours I started my journey. I strapped my then one year old son into the running stroller and we took off. Well not like a fighter jet or a dog chasing after a squirrel. 

But I started.

One foot in front of the other.

It was painful.

My lungs were burning. 

That morning I barely made it to 2kms.

I really had no idea how far I would get. What I was capable of. 

The next morning I woke up again and repeated the process. Each day I was able to get a little farther. And  pretty soon I was getting to 5kms. Not running the whole time, but I got to the distance I wanted to. Before I knew it I was walking less and running more. I was completing 5kms faster. My pace was coming down, and also my weight.

I had my route down. I ran the same one every morning. I can only imagine what people were thinking as I ran past them. And one morning I found out exactly what one person was thinking. As I trudged up the hill with my son in tow, which to put into perspective he weighed about 25lbs at the time and the stroller itself was about 20lbs. Im in my own world while running, unless I cross paths with another runner I usually look up give a little smile and carry on. I was coming up to a lady running and I do my usual look up and little smile and she looks at me and says "good job Mama, keep going." A complete stranger was encouraging me to keep going. 

Just keep going. 

And I did.

Each day I showed up. I put in the hard work. I challenged myself. I knew that regret would follow very harshly if I threw in the towel. I needed to do this. For myself. For my kids. A couple of years ago we went to Canada's Wonderland. I spent the whole day not wanting to go on the rides with my kids because I wasn't sure if I exceeded the weight limits and I didn't want to find out. I missed out on a whole day of fun because of the life choices I was making. Next time we go I want to be able to ride every single ride with them. I want to be part of the fun and not just on the sidelines watching. 

Show up.

It's simple, but difficult at the same time. You have to hold yourself accountable. You have to want it bad enough. I'm  telling you hard work does pay off. The change doesn't happen all at once, it's a process and yes it does take time, and you have to trust that process.

2020 has been a year of the books. So much has happened and is still happening. But this past year has shown be how much I have grown. What I'm capable of. What happens when you are consistent. What hard work does. 

2020 has shown me how strong I am. 

This isn't where I stop. I'm not done. 

Keep going.

Show up.

Trust the process. 

I'm cheering you all on. 

Great job, keep going!

Goodbye 2020.

Goodbye 57lbs!!

Hello 2021!

The end of the school year.....I think?

It's the last final days of the school year, but it doesn't feel or look the same. The kids are not putting together teacher gifts, they aren't able to say their goodbyes to their friends for the summer. There isn't any end of the year class parties. There is no "school's out for summer" blasting over the P.A system. There isn't joy like there normally is.

Instead we have Google meet farewells. We have electronic memory books of the year being made. We have chat groups to say goodbye to friends for the summer. The last day of school is not going to be special. It's going to feel like any other day that the kids have had in the past three and half months.

COVID-19 has changed everything about our lives. It has changed everything about a normal childhood. It has made parenting almost impossible some days. And to be honest I'm not sure how we all survived since March. This wasn't anything I ever had in mind when I became a parent. My patience has been tested almost on a daily basis. I have had to try teaching my kids math and language with younger siblings in the background screaming and crying. I have seen my son withdraw from almost everything in life because his social life has been stripped away from him. I have seen my daughter struggle each day to understand her work. I have cried, my kids have cried. I've lost track of the days on more then one account.

But we are all still here.

We are all healthy.

My kids have not seen the inside of a store since March. They have been kept away from friends and being able to go play on playgrounds. They have only been able to play with their siblings, and let's be honest that doesn't always go well. There have been plenty of fights.

My kids need to be in a school setting. They need that in person lesson from a teacher. They need their supports and daily routines that they get from school. They need to interact with kids their age.

We have made it to the end of the school year, but at what cost?

I know it was in their best interest health wise to be at home, but what about their mental health? What about developmentally wise? How much extra help are they going to need when they return to school and is there going to be enough supports in the schools to help with all these needs from kids when they return?

These past few months have been like no other, and I hope that when the kids look back on this time that they realize how strong and resilient they were to adapt to a whole new world.

Stay healthy!

Reflection

In just a couple of short weeks Miles will be turning one. And I sit here reflecting on the past year and how as a person I have struggled and grown.

This past year after Miles was born I feel like I lost myself. I wasn't myself. I didn't feel joy. I felt like I was just going through the motions of the day. I lost friends that I thought were close good friends. I felt more alone then I ever have in my life.

I struggled on a daily basis. I wasn't sure how I was going to get through many days, but somehow I did. I had many sleepless nights. Some with barely getting three hours of sleep. I reached a whole new level of sleep deprevation.

I cried.

A lot.

This past winter was a very dark time for me. I wasn't present for Christmas. I felt like I was in a fog. I feel like I was robbed of many moments with Miles as a newborn. There are some days I can't remember at all.

But things have changed. I came out of the fog. I started crying less. I started remembering moments more. I started being present more. I started laughing more.

I felt joy.

I started making time for me.

Self care. I have learned its such an important thing. And I have learned that making time for something for just me is important to make myself a better Mom and a better person. So I started running again.

I have the visable scars from giving birth, but I also have the invisable scars that no one can see from this past year and all that I went through.

These days I soak up every moment with Miles as I know that these are all firsts for him and lasts for me. I don't want to miss another moment because I get caught in the fog again. I have learned and I have grown this past year and I will not let myself be dragged back into the darkness.

This song "Rise Up" by Andra Day has really spoke to me this past year. It took on a different meaning for me. I will rise up each day to be there for my kids. I will rise up and be present.

PPD took a lot from me this past year, but I won't let it take anything else away from me.

There's the light

It's been almost three months since Miles was born and I honestly didn't know if the days were going to get better. I would get small moments during the day where I could catch my breath. I felt like most days I was drowning. I felt like as a new mom I was being robbed of times where I should be happy and filled with joy with this new life I had brought into this world. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I only saw darkness.

But here we are and there is a light starting to appear. Slowly, but surely things are starting to become more normal. We are slowly starting to find a groove. I am angry less. I don't cry as much. I feel a little more "normal". I did a light version of sleep training with Miles because I wasn't getting sleep and he wasn't getting sleep and I just wasn't able to function.

I feel a closer bond to my son now. He smiles at me all day long. We are still successfully breastfeeding (this is the longest I have ever breastfed one of my kids for!) And there was for sure a turning point with Miles and I. It happened this past weekend. I was home alone with the kids. The two oldest were across the street playing with friends and Nora and Miles were home with me. He had just gotten up from a nap and I had just finished nursing him. I laid him down so he could look at me and I waited for the smiles to appear, but what appeared was anything but smiles. Instead it was hives. All over his face. I am no stranger to hives, both of my older kids have had them, with my oldest actually having some allergies and even Miles earlier in the day had some hives, but I wasn't really alarmed about it at that time. But what I wasn't prepared for was the sudden swelling I would see in his face. My almost three month old son was having an allergic reaction. My heart was pounding, all I could think was what should I do? Is this going to get worse, how do little babies handle this kind of stuff? And I did the only thing that came to mind. I called 911. I have never in my life called 911 for any of my kids. I have called multiple times at work for residents and I knew the drill and what they were going to ask me. Whenever I called at work I was always so calm about it, but not this time. My brain felt like mush. My thoughts were all over the place. My heat felt like it was pounding out of my chest.

I was trying to stay calm, but I was slowly freaking out. Tears fell down my face as I looked at my son and his big red face. And as I was talking on the phone with the dispatcher I heard his cries slowly weaken and start to struggle to breath a bit. It felt like help would never get there. What was probably only a few minutes felt like 20 minutes. And then three paramedics entered the house and took over making sure that Miles was OK. He earned his first ambulance trip that day. Way too early for my liking. But he was going to be OK.

That night I couldn't sleep because I kept going back to the crib to check to make sure he was breathing OK, I just felt closer to him. I laid there and thought back on the events of the day and remembered holding him and watching him trying to breathe. And my thoughts went to how PPD has robbed me of the first three months of my son's life. At how much it has taken from me.

And that tiny light, so small appeared and that night I was determined to not let PPD take another day away from me. Knowing that there are still going to be difficult days ahead, but also knowing that not everyday is going to be a storm and to really embrace those days. To try and find joy in each day no matter how small it may be.

I will be forever thankful to my neighbor where my kids were playing. As I called her and told her quickly the situation. Before I knew it she was over at our place making sure Miles and I were OK and that Nora was taken care of. What I didn't find out until after we had gotten home was that she had taken the kids inside her place afterwards and she fed them dinner and kept them over there for a while. What an amazing person she is!

The light is still there and I hope it remains there.

It's sometimes the worst things to happen to us to show us what we really have.

And a shout out to paramedics and 911 dispatchers that are always there at our worst moments in life. Miles had no problem chilling with one of the paramedics and they were all so nice.

No walk in the park

Postpartum depression.

It's real.

It exists.

My journey in motherhood the fourth time around has not been easy. I have struggled, sometimes daily. I haven't felt like myself in a while. I have been angry and sad. I have felt regret and have struggled to bond with my baby. I have felt less then a good mom at times, because my other children I feel have been neglected in the way that I haven't been able to spend time with them. I feel like I am trapped on the couch for long periods of time nursing Miles.

I guess this spiral started in the hospital. I wanted to badly to have a VBAC, my previous child was an emergency c section and I didn't want to go through that again. I ended up at the hospital in labor and was so happy and so positive I felt like I was going to get my VBAC. Until they realized that baby was face presenting, and my hopes were quickly dashed. The OB said it was too risky and it would in fact be another c section for me. I cried. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn't stop them. I knew the recovery and the limitations that were going to be put on me. I didn't want it. But I didn't have a choice.

I walked into the OR and sat on the table. Waited for them to give me the spinal all the while having to endure excruciating contractions. They laid me down and started the surgery. Everything went according to plan and Miles came into the world at 6:13pm. But I didn't hear Anything. And like any new Mother would do anxiety started to creep in and I kept saying I don't hear him, is he OK? My husband just said they are working on him he is ok. What I didn't exactly know at the time was that his cord was wrapped around his neck several times and they had to give him extra oxygen because he had swallowed a lot of the meconium before being born. And after what felt like hours they finally brought him over for me to see.

After I was done in recovery I was brought over to the postpartum side. And here is where my struggles really began. The pain set in and I couldn't stop throwing up. My nurse the first night was amazing as I kept apologizing to her every time she had to come in and clean me up from throwing up, with one time having to change all the bedding. She was always so nice and smiled and said "don't worry about it these things happen, you just had major surgery."

You just had major surgery.

I always forget that part. You are literally cut open and a baby is brought through that incision site. They go through multiple layers in your body, including muscle and trust me you use you stomach muscles for way more then you think you do.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I should be able to walk to the bathroom and walk the hallway a little bit, but I can't. I can't even get out of bed. I tried to move in bed and got stuck. A nurse came into my room and saw me in this awkward position in bed and asked if I was OK, and I replied in tears to her that I was stuck and couldn't move. After that I had a nurse come in and talk to me, I assume she was the boss. She asked me several questions and then asked me if the nurse was meeting my needs. And like usual I wanted to answer yes because I didn't want to be "that person", but this was my health my recovery and no they were not meeting my needs. My pain was being mismanaged.

After that conversation, everything felt like it was starting to fall into place. By the afternoon I felt way better and was even able to get up and get a shower. I felt like a new person. Like I was finally able to get a hold on everything and that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But that light it quickly disappeared.

We finally arrived home on the Wednesday, Miles was born on Sunday evening. And I struggled greatly. There were times where I just sat and cried while Miles cried. There were times that I thought to myself, what was I thinking having another child. I didn't feel that instant bond with my baby. I didn't want to touch him at times. I felt like a Mom that was failing, not only my new baby but my other children as well. My two year old couldn't understand why I couldn't pick her up. I was tired all the time. I had no energy for my older kids.

Five weeks in and I was engulfed in a big black dark hole. I didn't feel myself. I was angry way too much. I felt like I was just going through the motions of the day. I wasn't looking forward to much. Christmas this year felt like a big daunting day, and if you know me you know that I am still a child at heart with Christmas. I love this time of year, I love watching my kids open their presents on Christmas morning and love getting together with family. And this year I just felt so meh about everything.

Christmas Eve, after finally getting Miles to sleep after three hours of trying I hear a ping on my phone. My Mom was texting me.

"Are you okay?"  She said.

"yeah just really tired."

"I'm worried about your health, let me know how I can help." She said.

I texted her back with a long answer with basically saying I felt like a burden on people and that I didn't want to burn her out on trying to help me so I don't ask that often. She replied with a thanks for sharing my feelings and that I matter to her and so do my kids.

"Ping" my phone goes off again.

"I don't like seeing you in so much pain." She said.

I cried. A lot.

I finally replied back.

"I don't feel like myself and I haven't for a while."

"I think you have depression." She said.

Postpartum depression can creep up on you. It can set in without you even realizing what is going on until everything starts come crashing down around you. In a house full of people I feel so alone. It's difficult sometimes to vocalize how I feel or what I need at times. I have people around me that want to help, but the feeling of being a burden on people always comes creeping back in.

But I'm trying to get better at it. I'm trying to become more accepting of saying yes when someone wants to help. I went out the other day just me and Nora. It wasn't for long, but I was able to be separated from Miles for a bit and it felt good. Did I miss a feeding with him, yes but he lived with one time being fed with formula. Which I am not against, all my kids have either been all formula fed or at a certain time been switched over to formula. And Nora had so much fun being the only one with Mom. And I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it just being Nora and I doing errands together.

Postpartum depression needs to be talked about more. More Moms need to know other peoples stories, so they don't feel alone. So they don't feel like they are less then a Mother if they do have it. They need to know that it doesn't look the same in each person.

The stigma needs to be removed.

Postpartum depression is real.

It does exist.

Don't ignore it.

Week one down!

So it's been a week.

At times it has felt like the longest week, but we made it!

I am excited to say that Thomas is no longer on any medications! That's right, none! He is able to maintain his sugar levels within a normal range without medication and just by changing his diet. I am shocked at how quickly everything happened! In a matter of just a couple of days he stopped taking a new medication that he was on and went back to taking metformin only and then the next day was able to cut that dosage in half and a day after that was able to stop taking it completely! He has also lost 6 lbs.

Low carb high fat diet does actually work to reverse type two diabetes!

And along my journey in this, not only supporting my husband, but I have also lost 9 lbs. Minimal carbs and high fat. And it tastes good!

I won't lie, we have had those moments where we dream of something we wish we could be eating. Where we just sit and have this conversation about something that we really want at that moment. But the results are too good to just throw it all away.

I was telling my Mom the other day, that I walked into the grocery store and I was looking around and everything carb just stuck out to me. And she was like "yeah you feel like your allergic to it now!" And in a way its true. I'm actually more aware of what has carbs in it now then I was a week ago.

So here is to another upcoming successful week on LCHF diet!

Every journey.....

Begins with a single step.

My husband and I are starting on a new journey. We are set on trying a new way to eat. Our initial reason for wanting to do this was to reverse his type two diabetes. And for support I thought I would also partake in this journey and see if I could not improve myself as well.

We have started eating low carb high fat. Strange you may think because we all try to avoid those high fat foods. Thinking that it is bad for us. When really the carbohydrates are the true problem. You see the more carbohydrates you eat, the more sugar there is going to be in the bloodstream. Which is not good for a diabetic. Yet a dietitian will tell a diabetic to eat between  30-60 grams of carbohydrates at meals and 15-30 grams if your having a snack.

They are telling a diabetic to ingest sugar.

Also on the food pyramid that we are all well aware of, the biggest part is the bottom, which is all carbohydrates!

Might be an indicator why diabetes has been on the rise.

So here we are night one of low carbohydrates and high fat. I wasn't sure what kind of meals we would find and how tasty they would be. We all know so many fad diets out there where you get to eat food that tastes like cardboard. Let me tell you, fat tastes amazing! And better yet we are not going to be hungry in a couple of hours, unlike if you were to eat a high carbohydrate meal. You can eat until you feel satisfied and better yet, there is no calorie counting or weighing your food!

We tried our first meal, bacon mushroom cheeseburger lettuce wraps. It was so good! I accidentally put the cheese on top, but it tasted all the same either way.

So our journey we have decided to start with a two week challenge and see how it goes.

I'll keep you posted!

P.S I have put a couple of links to a couple of videos we watched. And also the site that we are getting all these amazing recipes from!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l55OjWS9pEc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da1vvigy5tQ

https://www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb/recipes/lunch-dinner

The tough stuff

Deep breath, you can do this.

I'm four and a half months into it. And to be honest it hasn't been all skittles and rainbows. It's been tough. Exhausting. But I push through the dark days, because I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that these days will soon be behind me.

I didn't realize it at the time, but when my second child was born I suffered from postpartum depression. (PPD) It sucked me into it's black hole. I had a difficult time dealing with things. A baby and a three year old at the time. It was more then I could handle then. But somehow I made it out of the darkness. I made it to the other side. I had at the time reached out for help. I went to my family doctor and I was very open with her about my feelings and thoughts. The response I got from her was nothing that I expected to get and it made me shut down completely. I wanted to say nothing else to her and I just wanted to leave.

I never sought anymore help after that.

I suffered and dealt with it on my own.

The cards are stacked against me. I have a family history of depression. And I didn't want it to happen to me, but here I am. It's so difficult to admit. It is difficult as a mother to reach out and admit defeat and admit that I need help. I wanted to be super Mom. I wanted to be the one to do everything for my children.

But I can't.

Nora is four and a half months old and the black hole is trying to suck me in again, I'm trying my best to keep my head afloat, but it gets the best of me sometimes. I have learned when to walk away now. I know the baby will be OK to cry for a minute. As I gather myself up and count to 10....or 20 and go back in to settle her. I know when I should reach out for help and it's always helpful for me to be able to talk to someone and let them know that I am struggling in that moment.

I wish everyday that I didn't feel like this. But I'm getting through it. I hand off Nora to daddy more often now. I find days that are not as cold and take walks. We like to go for our daily Starbucks run with Bugga. It's the little things that help me get through a tough day.

But they are not all bad.

I love it in the mornings when Nora first wakes up and she greets me with that goofy gummy smile. I love seeing her interact with her brother and sister. I love those quiet moments when she falls asleep in my arms. She has caught onto the game of peek a boo and absolutely loves it.

My love for my children only grows more each day. I know there might be a storm or two ahead, but the clouds will clear and the sun will shine.

The strength of a baby

I was sitting up with our almost four month old the other night for one of those million of the night feedings. We sit there in silence and stare at each other. The rest of the house asleep and completely quiet. And she grips my fingers with such strength that they actually start to go numb after a bit. And all I could think was this moment came close to not happening.

I can't help myself. I keep going back to those moments. The moments where we almost lost our little girl. It was terrifying. And I know most people might be tired of hearing me say it, but to this day I am still processing it. I'm still trying to come to terms with everything that had happened, to both her and I. My third child and the birth should have been a breeze. It was anything but. My emotions still run high when I let my mind think about it too much. I don't let a lot of people know how I feel most of the time. It's hard to express my exact feelings, or what exactly I feel. I think most times that people won't understand how I'm feeling because it's not something that they experienced. 

I'm not sure if this is something I will ever get over. I don't know if there will ever be a day where tears don't start to pool in my eyes. I don't know how others deal with things like this. And I'm not sure how I'm suppose to process my feelings. 

There are days though that I get frustrated with her. I'm sleep deprived. My patience wears thin. I have two other children begging for my attention and then it hits me in those moments. I could have walked away that day without a third child. I try to enjoy the moments, and take everything in, because it's amazing that she, a tiny little human had the strength that day to hold on. To fight. To make it through to live. The strength of a baby is amazing. 

They are tiny, but they are mighty.

So squeeze my finger as tightly as you want baby girl. For on our toughest days I need that small reminder to not take a moment for granted.

Welcome Nora Belle!

We were team green for this pregnancy!

Just like my other two children, this one wanted to keep the tradition alive and stay in past their due date. I thought this being our third child I would get a little lucky and they might decide to come a little early. No such luck for me.

Days kept passing by and I kept getting false labor signs. I even had time-able contractions, but they ended up going nowhere. The date was set for an induction Saturday September 3rd our third child would be here. Well the baby had other plans.

The night before on Friday I had decided to get my last relaxing bath I was going to have for a while. Sitting there relaxing I sat forward and felt something. Thinking to myself surely that can't be my water?! I didn't feel anything else so I didn't think much of it. Well until there was another gush of fluid and there was no mistaking it this time! I got up from the bath and it wouldn't stop!

Finally was able to make to the point where I was dressed, which was pointless because I was already soaking wet. Called down to my husband he better get some towels for the car because it's not stopping. Called my Mother, who was able to basically fly over here on her bike in a speed I had not seen before from her!

And we were off to the hospital.....on labor day weekend no less!

Did I forget to mention that the highway was packed on this day?! In town route it was to be. Which was just as equally packed to let you know.

Days later....I mean what felt like days later we reached the hospital. We reached the delivery ward and were triaged to make sure that it was actually my water that had broken. I was like listen ladies I surely didn't pee myself the whole way here, I have it running down my legs for crying out loud!

Finally we were admitted and on our way at around 7:00 pm. We had a great nurse and for the first time we didn't have our OB, but the one on call was just as nice. She ended up breaking my fore waters and was feeling for the head and she got a weird look on her face. The OB determined that our baby was face presenting. She was trying to come out looking at the world and wanting to see everything first hand. I was told that the only thing I had in my favor at this point was that this was my third child. So she was going to to wait and see if the baby changed it's position.

Things started to get interesting the first time the alarm went off. I had heard that type of alarm before with our daughter Brynleigh, so I wasn't too overly concerned at that point. The nurse casually came in and turned it off, like it was no big deal. She was still in the room when she witnessed the next decel happen. The baby's heart rate slowed down so much I honestly thought it was going to stop. The next thing I knew the nurse was yelling out into the hallway for more help. I was put on oxygen in a matter of seconds. From there things just seemed to happen all too quickly. The OB had come in and was reading a consent form to me. Consent for a C section. My emotions were all over the place. The one thing I didn't want to happen was going to happen. And there was no decision to make. If I wanted our baby to be born alive it had to happen.

I calmed myself down, eventually and called my Mother before going into the OR. I wanted her to know that I was OK. We entered the OR and they did all their usual prep work. And before I knew it they had started the surgery. All was going well, until they saw exactly what was going on with the baby. I could hear the shock in their voices. Our baby was not only face presenting, but she also had the cord wrapped around her neck three times and there was a knot in the cord. I didn't hear her cry for the longest time after she came out. It was all I kept saying to my husband. "I don't hear her, I don't hear her." I could only think the worse.

And then the first cries happened and relief washed over me.

My husband asked if I wanted to know what the baby was. I really wanted to see our baby first, so one of the nurses took a picture and Thomas showed me. I couldn't believe it, another girl! It's all I kept saying. I was really shocked!

I am so thankful for the medical team that day. We were told that we are very lucky that Nora is with us today. I went through a tough time the day after in the hospital accepting the fact that I had a C section and what could've happened that day.

And now we are home and Nora, so far has been the most easy going baby out of all of them. I'm still recovering, but things will be back to normal with me eventually.

The last school lunch

The last school lunch of the year is packed and ready to go for the morning.

It's a day I look forward to all year long. The day where I no longer have to gather the same foods every evening and pack his lunch. But it also brings to a close another year of achievements and hard lessons learned.

I had mixed emotions about Logan starting grade one. I had a lot of fears about the struggles he would face and if he was going to be able to overcome them. And I was worried if my voice was going to be loud enough this year to be heard.

He did, and my voice was nice and loud!

Logan learned new ways to cope this year and he learned that not every child is the same and that we all learn at different speeds and that's OK. He learned that we don't need to compare ourselves to one another and that his achievements that he meets are the greatest for him in his own ways.

I am ever so grateful for the teacher that he had this past year. She actually listened to what I had to say and made things happen. She came in countless mornings to work with Logan on a program for his writing. She met with me whenever I had concerns and communicated so well. She was a dedicated teacher.

I have learned many new things about Logan this past year as well. And some things we are still getting to learn about him. As his mother I thought I knew everything there was to know about him, but school life is a completely different life then home life and I got a small glimpse into that when I was observing him during an assessment he had.

Logan is still eager to learn, although he does have his days where he doesn't like school as much, but his love for learning is still there.

He is very excited to begin his journey in grade two and our ASD journey will continue on. Teaching us all a little something along the way.

Struggles

The struggle is real some days.

Some days I just want to crawl back under the covers and pretend the day never started. Those days I realize that he is different. He doesn't cope like other kids do. He doesn't process like other kids do. He is not able to achieve like other kids do. But in his own ways he does.

The struggle was real last night. We were going over the beloved word spelling list that we get each week. Eight words along with a bonus word make up the quiz. We take the whole week to prepare for the quiz on Friday. I have to tackle this task with someone who isn't a fan of writing at all. And having to be careful to not pass his tipping point and being able to recognize when we are at that point can be tricky sometimes. Last night didn't go so well. It usually gets more difficult as the week progresses, because he is simply too overwhelmed and tired from school everyday. The expectations that are put on him right now are no different then any other child in his class. (A battle we are still working on with the school) He is held at the same standards as all his other peers, even though he operates on a different processing system.

We came to the bonus word "cousin." Simple enough you would think right?

Wrong.

I try many different ways and use many different examples on trying to get him to recognize the different letters in the word and some that he may not think are even there. He adds extra letters takes them away, tries to guess and just stick letters anywhere and with each try the frustration and anger grow. And then the words slip out of his mouth, he wants to quit school.

This child entered school with eagerness to learn. He loved going to school so much that in the beginning we had a difficult time transitioning from going to school to going home. He thought when he left school everyday that he wasn't coming back. That took about a week for him to realize that he goes home everyday and comes back every morning.

But this child, my son now in grade one is being pushed to his limits everyday. Is being expected to achieve at the same rate as his peers has had too much. I feel like the school system is failing him. I always ask myself, why after three years am I still pushing for the same things that I started when we first got his diagnosis? Why can't they clearly see that he is not at the same level as other children? We are almost halfway through May and the school year is ending. Next year he will be in grade two and the expectations will be greater and they will come faster. His struggles he has this year will only be amplified more next year. I am only asking for help for my son so that he can achieve his full potential, but yet we are denied.

The school system only knows what happens at school. They are not there when the child comes home. They are not there when they are not able to cope with anything anymore because they are just too overwhelmed from the day. They are not there when tears are running down the child's face because a task that the school see as so simple isn't for them. They are not there when the child is hitting themselves in the head because they are frustrated and angry.

They are not there.

My child wants to quit school.

Clearly something somewhere is failing, and it's not my son.

Fries please!

Our family decided to go out for dinner tonight and so the mission to find a place that would satisfy everyone began. My first thought that came to mind was that they needed to have fries. If they didn't have fries the place was a no go.

I know you must be wondering, why does she want fries so badly? Well it wasn't for me, it was for my son. The only thing he will eat when we go out is fries. 

We picked a place that seemed good, I know we had been there before but it had been quite some time since eating there. We sat down at our table and when the waiter came we ordered. And when we said "just a side of fries for our son" We got the look. The look that said, how can you let your child eat just fries for dinner? But this time we didn't just get the look the waiter then went on to say to us "well at least he will eat something." 

If he only knew, and he almost did. I looked at him and I almost blurted it out. I almost said to him well my son is autistic. But I didn't. I just smiled at him and kept my thoughts to myself. He passed judgement on us and on Logan so quickly. If he only knew the struggles he has daily with his diet. If he only knew how difficult it is for Logan to accept a new food. 

I don't feel like I need to explain my son everywhere we go. I feel the most pressure when he gets invited to parties and the parents will say to me afterwards that he didn't eat anything, that he didn't have any cake. But I get the judgement looks all the time. The looks when we pick something out at the grocery store and the packaging isn't just right for him. Well why can't he just have the other one or the other flavor? And you know I honestly can't answer that question, because I don't know myself.

These things make sense to him, but no one else. He thinks in different ways then we do. His thought process is different then ours. Among a world of people accepting different people, I feel sometimes that, that is not the case for my son. To be judged so quickly by a stranger that doesn't know our story at all does hurt. To think that I am that horrible mother that lets my child eat junk all the time instead of eating something healthier pains me to no end.

I have fought for my son and advocated for him. We just returned to see a new dietitian, whom I think will be great to work with Logan to hopefully help him to introduce some new foods into his diet, which could take us a very long time but we will stick with it.

I think that still today we need to learn not to pass judgement so quickly. I wrote a post a while back about a resident that taught me that lesson and that memory still sticks with me today. 

Accept the difference in people, don't judge it.

Today is your day!

Today is your day!

Today you turn three!

My baby girl, your growing so fast right in front of me. You wake up every morning to see what adventures await you. You have so much love and spunk in you, it's sometimes hard to keep up with you. You have a huge caring heart and always make sure everyone is ok, even after they sneeze! You love Moose and Kiwi, almost to the point of strangulation, but it's ok they love you back too.

Your such an innocent child. You see all the good in the world and nothing bad. You always have a smile for everyone and love saying "hi" and "goodbye" and yes the sentence would never be finished if you didn't say "see you later."

You love to play with your big brother (and fight) and your an awesome little sister to him. You share so well and you can share your goldfish crackers, even if you don't have that many left.

Your beautiful inside and out. Your smile is contagious. And I'm pretty sure that the Frozen dvd is thoroughly worn out!

Today is your day and I hope that you realize on this day how special and unique you are and see all the love that surrounds you everyday.

Happy Third Birthday Brynleigh!

(This is an old post I forgot to publish)



My Hopes

I was out and about at some of the stores today and everyone was busy rushing around getting everything they needed to bring in the New Year. The grocery store was packed as was the wine store attached. My reason for being there was to get a couple of more things for our belated Christmas dinner tomorrow.

I know there will be lots of people out tonight and over at friends houses celebrating. And I felt a little sad knowing that I will be sitting at home by myself and alone after I put the kids to bed. But I traded in those party times for quiet nights like this six years ago, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I have two wonderful children that fill my life with so much love and energy. They keep me learning everyday and show me how strong I can be. Some days are easier then others. Some have fewer meltdowns then most, but it's a package deal.

This past year, we were able to successfully take a big step forward with Logan's school and it felt so good. I try to advocate as best as I can for him, and sometimes I need to push a little harder for him. I know we keep moving in the right direction for him, but it isn't always easy and I had shed a few tears along the way. Even though we have to go through all these steps and it isn't easy, I still wouldn't trade him for anything. My hope in the New Year for him is that he is able to add a new food to his small list that he eats now. I know it seems small and to many they can't understand why it is such a struggle, but it would be a huge feat for him to be able to do that.

Brynleigh turns four in April and will be starting school in September with Logan, which I know she is really excited about doing. My hope for her in the New Year is that she is continues to be her unique self. Keep smiling everyday girl, it puts a smile on everyone else's face too!

This coming New Year, my hope for myself is to have more patience. More patience with the kids, my husband, my sister and work. Sometimes I get too stressed out and take on too much and I need to be able to make sometime for myself. Without children around. No matter what age they are it can still be overwhelming sometimes.

I'm excited to become an Aunt this coming year and be able to be there for my sister and support her and answer her questions for her. I know she is going to make a great Mom!

My hopes for the New Year are not big and grand in anyway, but they are just right for us.

We wish you and your family a happy New Year!

Six Years

Can I Carry You?

I guess that I can hold you

one more time before you grow.

And tell you that I love you

so that you will always know.

Please let me tie your shoe again.

One day you'll tie your own.

And when you think back to this time

I hope it's love I've shown.

Can I help you put your coat on?

Can I please cut up your meat?

Can I pull you in the wagon?

Can I pick you out a treat?

One day you might just care for me,

so let me care for you.

I want to be a part

of every little thing you do.

Tonight could I please wash your hair?

Can I put toys in the bath?

Can I help you count your small ten toes

before I teach you math?

Before you join a baseball team

can I pitch you one more ball?

And one more time can I stand near

to make sure you don't fall?

Let's take another space-ship ride

Up to the Planet Zoor.

Before our Cardboard Rocket

doesn't fit us anymore.

Please let me help you up the hill.

while you're still too small to climb.

And let me read you stories

while you're young and have the time.

I know the day will come

when you will do these things alone.

Will you recall the shoulder rides

and all the balls we've thrown?

I want you to grow stronger

than your Mom could ever be.

And when you find success

there will be no soul more proud than me.

So will you let me carry you?

One day you'll walk alone.

I cannot bear to miss one day

from now until you've grown.

~Author Unknown~

Happy 6th Birthday to one amazing little man!

Love you more then you can ever imagine!