Stage five clinger

Yup I have one.

Little arms constantly reaching up, always wanting to be carried.

Constantly climbing all over me.

Never a moment alone. (Not even in the bathroom!)

It's been tiring.

And even though I wish this phase would pass (like yesterday) I have to remind myself that it won't last forever and one day she will be pushing me away instead of trying to bring me closer.

No matter where I go these days she is always right on my heels. She is always watching what I am doing. And if I am not looking at her she gets right in my face and she will turn my head so I am looking at her.

All she wants is the love and attention from her Mom. To know that she matters. To know that she is loved. Well baby girl, you are. You are the centre of my world (until your brother gets home, then you have to share it!) You little girl are loved beyond words. I am never too busy to not pay attention to you, and even though you grow bigger everyday you will always have a place in my arms.

You run with outstretched arms towards me to be engulfed into a big bear hug. And the best part about it is when you reach around me with your little arms and hug back. It's my most favourite part.

So baby girl, keep reaching out for Mommy, keep asking for those hugs and just keep being you because I will always be there reaching back for you.

Motherhood, no sick days

As I sit here going through my second round of sickness this month the only thing I want to do is curl up underneath my blankets in bed and go to sleep.

But I can't.

Everyday we just keep trucking on. Through the good and the bad. This past month I was privileged enough to stay up the whole night with my son while he threw up. Constantly. The whole night. And not once did he actually make it to the bathroom. After going though all his bedding that he had at 5:00am I picked him up and brought him into bed with me. Saying a silent prayer that he doesn't throw up in my bed!

The next evening my stomach felt off. Oh no, I knew it was coming. Sure enough the next night it was my head in the toilet. Throwing up. The whole night. Horrible dry heaves. I wanted to die. That morning all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I had the chills really bad. My head hurt, and my stomach was still doing flip flops. But I had to get up. Logan needed his lunch packed the kids needed to get dressed and Logan needed to go to school.

The walk to and from his school was the longest ever. I struggled coming back, walking so, so slow. Collapsing on the couch as I got inside. Then I had too little eyes staring at me, saying "where is my milk Mom?"

I just wanted the day off. To do nothing, to tend to no one, to just sleep.

My Mom came to my rescue in the afternoon taking Brynleigh for a couple of hours and then picking up my son from school. It wasn't much, but it was enough for me. She left later, saying to me "I have no idea how you do this." Neither do I Mom, neither do I, but it's what we do.

I am sitting here now, still trying to regain my voice back, having a coughing fit once in a while and feeling drained, well because that's what a cold will do to you, I just hope that this one ends soon.

We as mother's have no sick days. We can't call in and say we are sick and taking the day off. We struggle through them. Making sure our kids are still taken care off. Knowing that when they come home from school with a runny nose it's only a matter of time until their sibling gets that same runny nose and then you do, because they insist on sharing their slobber with you.

How do we do it? I have no idea, I don't have the answer to that question, we just know that we have to power on and when we finally get to the end of the day and the kids are finally in bed sleeping we know then that we can collapse in bed and just hope that the next morning we don't wake up feeling sick so we don't have to repeat the day over again.

My son came up to me the other evening and told me this:

"Mom I have something to tell you"
"OK"
"Germs"
"Yeah"
"Germs, they are everywhere"
"They sure are buddy"

Then in my head I said to myself, just don't bring them home from school anymore bud!

Four Years

Four years ago today I started the journey of Motherhood.

The journey was not an easy start for me right from the beginning of birth, but I wouldn't change a thing about it. I have been tested to my limits, I have shed more tears then I have ever thought possible in the last four years. I have been stressed and exhausted. Wondering how will I ever make it another day. I have laughed, smiled and have my heart grow more then I have ever known possible.

There has been countless trips to the doctors office, tons of boo boos, bruises and even capped it all off with a broken bone. I have experienced so much as Mom. Have gotten used to wiping snotty noses (where ever convenient) and dirty bums.

I have seen my son struggle and succeed, but never fail.

I have seen pure joy from conquering that darn button on a pair of shorts.

And I have seen melt downs. Temper tantrums and crying fits, because no we can not have that bag of candy at 9:00am.

I have seen Logan become a big brother and seen the way he loves and cares for his sister.

Being a Mom has made me think in different ways and approach daily obstacles in different and unique ways. Knowing that it may take me 5 minutes to get ready, but then remembering to factor in an extra 15 minutes because we might have a struggle about how many toys we are actually going to bring in the car with us.

There are so many things about motherhood that no one is able to tell you about. That experiencing it first hand is the only way to learn about it. And you are never truly prepared to take on the task of being a Mom. And just when you think you have it all figured out they change the game. Continuously, over and over again. They know how to keep us on our toes all the time.

I have been blessed with the miracle to see my son grow and flourish before my very eyes. Look at things from a different perspective. Realize that there are things that I should not take for granted in life.

This day four years ago changed my life for the better.

And as he turns four today we begin another year of discoveries, smiles, laughs and even some tears.

 

Happy Fourth Birthday Little Man!

A child's love

A child's love is simple. They love you unconditionally right from the start. They show their affections in small simple ways. No matter what the day brings they always have a way of telling you that they love you.

With my son it is simple, when putting him to bed our routine ends with a kiss, hug and a "goodnight" and "I love you." It's simple enough, yet means the world to me. Although he shows affection in other ways as well. Such as, when I am sitting on the couch, if he is not sitting on me then he is molded to my body beside me. Making sure there is no extra space between us, simply telling me that we are inseparable. And that there is nowhere else he would love to be other then curled up beside me.

With my daughter, she is not able to verbally tell me yet that she loves me, but her actions speak louder then words. I love when I come home from work and my son yells that Mom is home and then I hear the high pitched squeal of delight come from my daughter and see her big smile on her face that she is happy that I am home shows me that she loves me. My favourite by far though is when I go in to feed her in the night and pick her up to put her back in her crib she wraps her arms around me as much as she can and squeezes tight. I hold onto those moments and stand there for a few minutes and hug her back for I know that these moments will not last forever. And I can just feel the love between us. And as I lay her down in her crib she reaches up and pats my arm and I can imagine her saying "I love you too Mom, I love you too."

You see even though they push us to our limits and when we think that we might not be able to continue on the next day, they give us fuel to keep going. My children's love and affection is my fuel. An "I love you" at the end of the day keeps me going for tomorrow.

A child's love, something so simple, but means the world to each parent.

Overwhelmed

As I sit in my living room looking at the mess that my children have created once again and thinking about the dishes that need to be done the laundry that needs to be washed, the vacuuming and scrubbing I feel the rush of being overwhelmed once again.

I am exhausted, not only from my kids getting up at 6am, but from the constant need from my kids all day long. Just when I think they have everything they need, there is always one more thing. I turn my back for a second and my daughter who is newly walking has fallen and hit her head once again. Or Logan has been too rough with her and needs that gentle reminder to take it easy with her since he is double her weight almost!

I just need a minute for myself. To not be a Mom for just a minute. To feel like my needs are being taken care of, but I don't get a break. From sun up to sun down my world revolves around my children. Don't get me wrong I love being a Mother and I love my children more then words can express, but I feel like I forget about myself from time to time. The feelings of loneliness start to creep in, I can't remember the last time I had a proper hair cut or took a shower without being interrupted (or simply just having time for one). Or the last time I got to eat in silence without my daughter trying to steal my food. I am so busy making sure my kids have everything they need that most times I just go without.

Motherhood is a full time job, usually with no vacation time and there definitely is no over time pay. You usually get forgotten because your kids take center ring. Everyone calls to see how the kids are doing, and you sit there silently in the back of your mind saying well what about me? We put on a fake smile and try to pretend that we have it altogether. Trying to live up to societies expectations, always having a home cooked meal prepared and actually tackling those 20 pinterest projects with our kids that look like they have been done by professionals.

My kids are not perfect and neither am I. I don't have it together everyday. I don't have planned out craft projects for them everyday. Most days we just go with the flow. So while I have the feeling of being overwhelmed today, tomorrow is a different day. Starting fresh each morning.

Learn from yesterday

Live for today

Hope for Tomorrow

 

~Albert Einstein~

Things that keep me going

We have all had them, bad days, bad weeks and maybe even a bad month. It feels as though it will never end. That the light at the end of the tunnel just won't appear. And you keep thinking to yourself can things get worse, and then they actually do.

Well I am in one of those weeks now. I am struggling to get through it in one piece. But I keep pushing forward. Why? Because I have two tiny people that count on me every.single.day. They are the two things in this world that keep me going, that make me look forward to tomorrow. Even though by the end of the day I feel exhausted from not only taking care of my children, but simply carrying my burdens around without them seeing it. 

But I just keep going. Their smiles and giggles light up my day. Seeing them play together and watching my son make sure that his sister is ok after she falls melts my heart. Watching Logan run into his sister's room each morning to simply say "good morning" brings a smile to my face. I love putting my kids to bed at night and hearing my son say "love you" makes my day complete.

These are just a few of the simple things in life that keep me going.

And I hope that not only my bad week, but anyone else who is having one of those days, weeks or months ends soon.

Brynleigh turns One!

Brynleigh turns one today. I thought that her brother Logan had taught me all I needed to know about parenting, but she has showed me so much more.

It was the night of April 16th when she started to make her way into this world. I was sitting downstairs watching television with Daddy and I was having some light contractions. A few days earlier I had experienced some false labour so I didn't want to get my hopes up this time. I decided to just go to bed and not think too much about it. It dawned on me when I was still awake at 2:00am and the contractions were coming on stronger that this is possibly the real deal. I had always wanted to have the experience of calling my Mom in the middle of the night to tell her that I was in labour and I finally got to. Although she surprised me by picking up on the second ring. Seems that her Mother intuition is still strongly intact, because she told me that she just knew that I was going to call her. Well we gathered up our stuff and my Mom arrived shortly. We were on our way to the hospital.

I walked into the ER (since it was in the middle of the night we have to register there) and the lady asked me if I was in labour. I wanted to give her a sarcastic answer and say "No I make my husband drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night all the time to make sure he knows where he is going." But instead I just answered with a simple "yes." Daddy came in after parking and we made our way up to labour and delivery. We got there and the nurse asked "So are you in labour?" What is with these people! No people we just want to take a tour at 3:00am! "Yes" again was my answer. Surprisingly I was the only one there that night to deliver a baby.

We got all set up in the room and found out that I was already 4cm along. So I got my epidural right away and was in heaven. Usually when you deliver you are not guaranteed to get your own O.B, but I got lucky for the second time and mine was on shift that night. She came in smiling, because we were just at the hospital earlier that day to set an induction date for Saturday. Turns out our little girl didn't want to wait. Daddy and I were in the room and we start to hear this alarm go off. We just look at each other because we both figured any alarm is probably not a good thing. The nurse comes in and just switches it off. I enquire as to what the alarm was and she just says casually "oh that is just the baby's heart rate." I have to say she was really good at not getting me scared about it because she was so calm, but I was still worried. The alarm kept going off and I got more worried. She had me turn on my side, but it didn't really help. She went and got my O.B and it turns out, with every contraction I was having the baby's heart rate was dropping.
Now I am not sure if anyone has ever watched any baby shows, but I have seen my fair share and I always know that when they bring out the oxygen mask it usually is never a good thing. Well my fear just escalated when they put it on me. All I could think was, this is not a good thing.


It was time for her arrival. It was so nice just having the O.B and the nurse in the room this time, opposed to like the 15 when I had Logan. With just a few pushes she made her debut into the world. She was perfect. Brynleigh weighed in at exactly 8lbs and just over 21 inches. It was instant love.



This past year I had been met with so many new challenges, but growing from each one. The first three months were less then ideal for me, and I struggled through each one of those days. But today, there is nothing I love more then seeing Brynleigh and Logan playing together. To see her crazy toothy smile. I wasn't sure at first how going from one to two kids would be, but she fits so perfectly into our family. Our lives would not be the same without her.

Today you turn from being a baby to a toddler (although don't take those first steps without me being present!) And even though the first year has gone by so quickly, there is still so much more to add to the chapters in your life. There is still tons of time to make thousands of memories together. So much more to teach and learn. So as you complete the first year, know that I am sad about it ending, but so excited about what is to come still. You have the whole world at the tips of your tiny fingers. And I know that you are going to make your very own special path in this world and I can't wait to walk along side you with every experience we share.

As You Turn One

 

Time flies fast when you’re nearing one,
So much to learn, so much fun.
Peek-a-boo, learning to talk,
Eating it all, learning to walk.
Loving to laugh and giggle and play,
Enjoying every moment of every day.
But while you innocently watch each day go by,
You’re unaware of the sighs we sigh . . .
For you’re growing up too fast for us.
We’ve seen it before and we know you must.
Soon you’ll be two, then three, then ten,
And we’ll look at you and wonder and say, “When?”
When did she grow up? How can this be?
Wasn’t it yesterday she looked up at me . . .
And reached for my arms . . .
And smiled that sweet smile . . .
And we prayed,
“Keep her little for still a little while

 

~Cheryl Wray~





Goals not met

I don't want to say that I have failed or given up, but I have not met my goal yet. It's been pushed to the back burner, not on my mind. The winter could possibly be the worst time to try and start running. Who in their right mind wants to go out in the freezing cold weather with tons of snow around. To possibly slip and fall down. I had no motivation at all. I sat in the house each morning instead of lacing up my running shoes. Although I feel like I have failed I have the chance to make this right. I had met tiny milestones when I was running. I wanted to run more then walk, goal met. I wanted to be able to make it back up the hill before falling over and dying, goal met. I wanted to go out and make it back home in a half hour, goal met.

My challenge to myself is to now go out and meet these goals once again, but this time to not stop, but succeed and surpass these goals. I was only doing 3.2kms and I want to do 5kms and then 10kms. I know I can do this. I need to do this. I want to do this.

So I have set for myself a deadline. July 1st I have signed up for a 5K run.

No excuses anymore.

I WILL DO THIS!!

School Registration

I had finally gotten all the required information to go and register Logan for JK. So we got dressed and decided to walk to the school (we are about a 2 min walk) and I for some reason decided to do this on probably the coldest day in January!

We got to the school a little frozen, but in one piece and entered the school and into the office we went. I started filling out the paperwork and Logan was sitting there waiting for me. (he never sits still by the way) And I looked over at him one time and through the window in the office you can actually see into one of the kindergarten classes and he was just staring at the kids. He looked back at me and he had a huge smile on his face and you could just see the excitement oozing out of him. I finished up the paperwork and we headed out to leave and he pulls on my hand to go back. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay. It's amazing how these small kids want nothing more but to soak in all the information we give them. They enter the school eager to learn and excited to be there, but graduate and leave only being too happy to finally leave.

As we started our chilly walk back to the house, my thoughts drift from wondering how he will do with all day everyday kindergarten, to how will I feel the first day dropping him off since he has been around me almost everyday since he was born, to hoping that his kindness and innocence will stay with him. These days kids can be so cruel and I fear for my kids when they enter school. I was a victim of bullying all through school. From being made fun of that I was adopted and that my parents didn't love me and I didn't have real parents, to getting slapped across the head in the middle of class in grade nine. It never really ended for me. My one hope is that my kids will never have to experience anything like that. I want him to know that school is a safe place for him, but I will know that first day after dropping him off that I will not be there to protect him and watch over him. And it's a feeling that will last for everyday he is in school.

I am excited for him to learn new things and to make lots of friends (who wouldn't want a friend where if you drop your ball he is only too happy to help you retrieve it!) but somewhere along the way some kids lose their excitement and turn down the other road and I just hope that he stays on the right path, eager to learn each day.

Itty bitty hands

Little baby hands that reach for Mommy's face, such an innocent little touch. They only want to know that Mommy is close and that they are safe. The feel is familiar to them when Mommy places kisses  upon those tiny little hands. For now they reach out for toys and grip to that coffee table hoping to not tumble and fall down.

But what will they touch in the future? What will they change in this world? How many lives will they change and inspire? These tiny hands one day will hold friends hands when they need it most. They might bring change to someones life when they need it most. These little hands might pick someone up when they are down.

In this world where we have minimal face to face interaction these days will she change the world with her own. Will she fight for those that cannot fight for themselves with compassion? Will she educate people and fix things with those hands? Will she one day hold her own itty bitty baby with those hands?

In time will we only know, for her story is just beginning.

Being a Mom

Means:

Sacrifices.
To put your kids first and you second.
To give them all the love and support you can possibly give them.
To never having a day off.
Endless piles of laundry.
Wiping bums and noses.
Finding 25 hours in a 24 hour day.
Means being a jungle gym and lap to curl up in when they need you most.
Late nights and early mornings.
Walking around with spit up on you without you even knowing it's there.
Are you lucky enough to squeeze that shower in today? No, that's ok there is always tomorrow!
To have your heart walking around outside of your body.
To watch them grow into little people.
Watching them conquer the world!
Watching your kids play together.
Seeing the love between your kids grow.
Telling your child, "please be gentle with your sister." (a million times a day!)
Telling your kid please don't drink the dog water!
Watching them fall and pick themselves back up again, only to try again.
Broken bones.
Tears.
Smiles. (and lots of them!)
Letting them soak the bathroom while having a bath, because water brings them pure joy!
Bedtime stories.


It's the biggest joy in the world, but boy can it be tough work sometimes. But the smiles, giggles and endless love they give you make it all worth it!

2013 The possibilites

This past year has been amazing. So many memories were made. The biggest one was giving birth to my daughter and Logan becoming a big brother (which he is awesome at!) We had our struggles going from a family of three to a family of four and I won't lie the first 3 months were the hardest ever. But now I am blessed with a happy going baby. Logan turned three this past year (I can't believe he is growing so quickly!) I started running to better my life and my kid's lives as well (I need to get out again soon) and having some good conversations with my Mom brought some light to things that are in the mending process.

I still go by Jason Mraz's song "Living in the moment"  the words in the song really speak to me and I am always remembering them when I really need to. We never know what the new year will bring us, but we can always strive to make it the best one yet. So take chances, live each day to the fullest, love, have no regrets, go to bed happy, let go of the negative and embrace the positive, just simply live.

So we say goodbye to 2012 and ring in 2013 with hoping it will be everything we can make it to be and more.

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year, may it bring you everything you dream and more!