Book covers

We have all done it.

Even though you think you haven't done it, you have.

Everyone at some point their lives has judged.

Someone at the store, someone waiting for the bus, the person driving in front of us. We have all done it.

I I had just started my new job a couple of weeks ago and was still getting used to the routine and the residents there. I remember it like it was yesterday. I went to pour this lady a cup of tea and She took a strip out of me. I had done the unthinkable,I reached across in front of her to get her cup and she scolded me for doing I that.

In that moment, in that second I judged her.

A couple of days later I was going around doing my evening med pass and I came across her room. I stood there and thought to myself I am just going to get in and get out as quick as I can, that way I don't I have to really deal with her or talk to her. I walked into her room and gave her meds and plastered on a smile and was turning to leave when she started a conversation. She asked if I was from Barrie and I said yes. She asked if I had lived here my whole life and I said yes, well actually always around the area. I listed off a couple places finishing with Cookstown.

And that was it.

We had made a connection.

She had also lived in Cookstown and much to both of our surprise we had both lived on the same street. I must have been in there for a good 30 minutes just talking to her. And every time she had a visitor and she saw me she was only too excited to let them know that I was the girl that lived on the same street as her. Our friendship grew over time and I enjoyed our evening talks and getting to know her and her family.

Sadly at the beginning of January she passed away.

Before she passed away I talked to her one night. I told her that I remember the first time I met her and how I thought she was a crotchety old woman (she used different word which I won't repeat!) and I said to her how now I cherish our friendship and how I will never reach across the table again. She smiled and we had a good laugh and I hugged her. It was the last time I saw her.

She used to make these pot scrubbers and She gave me one at Christmas time this past year. It sits on my shelf. Unused. In perfect condition. It sits there as a reminder. A reminder not to judge.

We have all done it. We have all judged.

Instead of passing judgement take that extra second, that extra minute and open that book. Turn the pages and get to know the book. I am and will always be grateful  to this woman for teaching this life long lesson. 

Never judge a book by its cover.

Secret snuggles

My most favorite part of my day is around 9:30 at night. It's the time that I usually go in and check on Brynleigh and change her diaper. But it's what happens after the diaper change that changes my day.

 I don't just pick her up and put her back in her crib. No I lift her up and bring her in close and just stand there and hold her. She rests her head on my shoulders and we just stand there in the dark.  Nothing else at that point matters to me. I'm not sure how long I ever stand there for, until it feels right I guess. I think back about our day and all the stresses throughout the day just go away, because I am holding my daughter at that point. I give her kisses on the top of her head. I tell her I love her over and over again. A child can never get tired of hearing that their parents love them.

This is my solitude. This is my calm after a busy day. This completes my day. And I savor these moments because I know they won't last forever and because it's basically the only time she sits still these days. I sway from side to side in the complete darkness and it's like we become one. She molds to my body and just let's me hold her. Knowing that Mommy loves her. 

When I am done I lay her in her crib, but her binkie in give her piglet and cover her with her blanket. I tell her goodnight.

I cherish those moments. My secret snuggles.

Stage five clinger

Yup I have one.

Little arms constantly reaching up, always wanting to be carried.

Constantly climbing all over me.

Never a moment alone. (Not even in the bathroom!)

It's been tiring.

And even though I wish this phase would pass (like yesterday) I have to remind myself that it won't last forever and one day she will be pushing me away instead of trying to bring me closer.

No matter where I go these days she is always right on my heels. She is always watching what I am doing. And if I am not looking at her she gets right in my face and she will turn my head so I am looking at her.

All she wants is the love and attention from her Mom. To know that she matters. To know that she is loved. Well baby girl, you are. You are the centre of my world (until your brother gets home, then you have to share it!) You little girl are loved beyond words. I am never too busy to not pay attention to you, and even though you grow bigger everyday you will always have a place in my arms.

You run with outstretched arms towards me to be engulfed into a big bear hug. And the best part about it is when you reach around me with your little arms and hug back. It's my most favourite part.

So baby girl, keep reaching out for Mommy, keep asking for those hugs and just keep being you because I will always be there reaching back for you.

Motherhood, no sick days

As I sit here going through my second round of sickness this month the only thing I want to do is curl up underneath my blankets in bed and go to sleep.

But I can't.

Everyday we just keep trucking on. Through the good and the bad. This past month I was privileged enough to stay up the whole night with my son while he threw up. Constantly. The whole night. And not once did he actually make it to the bathroom. After going though all his bedding that he had at 5:00am I picked him up and brought him into bed with me. Saying a silent prayer that he doesn't throw up in my bed!

The next evening my stomach felt off. Oh no, I knew it was coming. Sure enough the next night it was my head in the toilet. Throwing up. The whole night. Horrible dry heaves. I wanted to die. That morning all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I had the chills really bad. My head hurt, and my stomach was still doing flip flops. But I had to get up. Logan needed his lunch packed the kids needed to get dressed and Logan needed to go to school.

The walk to and from his school was the longest ever. I struggled coming back, walking so, so slow. Collapsing on the couch as I got inside. Then I had too little eyes staring at me, saying "where is my milk Mom?"

I just wanted the day off. To do nothing, to tend to no one, to just sleep.

My Mom came to my rescue in the afternoon taking Brynleigh for a couple of hours and then picking up my son from school. It wasn't much, but it was enough for me. She left later, saying to me "I have no idea how you do this." Neither do I Mom, neither do I, but it's what we do.

I am sitting here now, still trying to regain my voice back, having a coughing fit once in a while and feeling drained, well because that's what a cold will do to you, I just hope that this one ends soon.

We as mother's have no sick days. We can't call in and say we are sick and taking the day off. We struggle through them. Making sure our kids are still taken care off. Knowing that when they come home from school with a runny nose it's only a matter of time until their sibling gets that same runny nose and then you do, because they insist on sharing their slobber with you.

How do we do it? I have no idea, I don't have the answer to that question, we just know that we have to power on and when we finally get to the end of the day and the kids are finally in bed sleeping we know then that we can collapse in bed and just hope that the next morning we don't wake up feeling sick so we don't have to repeat the day over again.

My son came up to me the other evening and told me this:

"Mom I have something to tell you"
"OK"
"Germs"
"Yeah"
"Germs, they are everywhere"
"They sure are buddy"

Then in my head I said to myself, just don't bring them home from school anymore bud!

Four Years

Four years ago today I started the journey of Motherhood.

The journey was not an easy start for me right from the beginning of birth, but I wouldn't change a thing about it. I have been tested to my limits, I have shed more tears then I have ever thought possible in the last four years. I have been stressed and exhausted. Wondering how will I ever make it another day. I have laughed, smiled and have my heart grow more then I have ever known possible.

There has been countless trips to the doctors office, tons of boo boos, bruises and even capped it all off with a broken bone. I have experienced so much as Mom. Have gotten used to wiping snotty noses (where ever convenient) and dirty bums.

I have seen my son struggle and succeed, but never fail.

I have seen pure joy from conquering that darn button on a pair of shorts.

And I have seen melt downs. Temper tantrums and crying fits, because no we can not have that bag of candy at 9:00am.

I have seen Logan become a big brother and seen the way he loves and cares for his sister.

Being a Mom has made me think in different ways and approach daily obstacles in different and unique ways. Knowing that it may take me 5 minutes to get ready, but then remembering to factor in an extra 15 minutes because we might have a struggle about how many toys we are actually going to bring in the car with us.

There are so many things about motherhood that no one is able to tell you about. That experiencing it first hand is the only way to learn about it. And you are never truly prepared to take on the task of being a Mom. And just when you think you have it all figured out they change the game. Continuously, over and over again. They know how to keep us on our toes all the time.

I have been blessed with the miracle to see my son grow and flourish before my very eyes. Look at things from a different perspective. Realize that there are things that I should not take for granted in life.

This day four years ago changed my life for the better.

And as he turns four today we begin another year of discoveries, smiles, laughs and even some tears.

 

Happy Fourth Birthday Little Man!

A child's love

A child's love is simple. They love you unconditionally right from the start. They show their affections in small simple ways. No matter what the day brings they always have a way of telling you that they love you.

With my son it is simple, when putting him to bed our routine ends with a kiss, hug and a "goodnight" and "I love you." It's simple enough, yet means the world to me. Although he shows affection in other ways as well. Such as, when I am sitting on the couch, if he is not sitting on me then he is molded to my body beside me. Making sure there is no extra space between us, simply telling me that we are inseparable. And that there is nowhere else he would love to be other then curled up beside me.

With my daughter, she is not able to verbally tell me yet that she loves me, but her actions speak louder then words. I love when I come home from work and my son yells that Mom is home and then I hear the high pitched squeal of delight come from my daughter and see her big smile on her face that she is happy that I am home shows me that she loves me. My favourite by far though is when I go in to feed her in the night and pick her up to put her back in her crib she wraps her arms around me as much as she can and squeezes tight. I hold onto those moments and stand there for a few minutes and hug her back for I know that these moments will not last forever. And I can just feel the love between us. And as I lay her down in her crib she reaches up and pats my arm and I can imagine her saying "I love you too Mom, I love you too."

You see even though they push us to our limits and when we think that we might not be able to continue on the next day, they give us fuel to keep going. My children's love and affection is my fuel. An "I love you" at the end of the day keeps me going for tomorrow.

A child's love, something so simple, but means the world to each parent.

Overwhelmed

As I sit in my living room looking at the mess that my children have created once again and thinking about the dishes that need to be done the laundry that needs to be washed, the vacuuming and scrubbing I feel the rush of being overwhelmed once again.

I am exhausted, not only from my kids getting up at 6am, but from the constant need from my kids all day long. Just when I think they have everything they need, there is always one more thing. I turn my back for a second and my daughter who is newly walking has fallen and hit her head once again. Or Logan has been too rough with her and needs that gentle reminder to take it easy with her since he is double her weight almost!

I just need a minute for myself. To not be a Mom for just a minute. To feel like my needs are being taken care of, but I don't get a break. From sun up to sun down my world revolves around my children. Don't get me wrong I love being a Mother and I love my children more then words can express, but I feel like I forget about myself from time to time. The feelings of loneliness start to creep in, I can't remember the last time I had a proper hair cut or took a shower without being interrupted (or simply just having time for one). Or the last time I got to eat in silence without my daughter trying to steal my food. I am so busy making sure my kids have everything they need that most times I just go without.

Motherhood is a full time job, usually with no vacation time and there definitely is no over time pay. You usually get forgotten because your kids take center ring. Everyone calls to see how the kids are doing, and you sit there silently in the back of your mind saying well what about me? We put on a fake smile and try to pretend that we have it altogether. Trying to live up to societies expectations, always having a home cooked meal prepared and actually tackling those 20 pinterest projects with our kids that look like they have been done by professionals.

My kids are not perfect and neither am I. I don't have it together everyday. I don't have planned out craft projects for them everyday. Most days we just go with the flow. So while I have the feeling of being overwhelmed today, tomorrow is a different day. Starting fresh each morning.

Learn from yesterday

Live for today

Hope for Tomorrow

 

~Albert Einstein~