The last school lunch

The last school lunch of the year is packed and ready to go for the morning.

It's a day I look forward to all year long. The day where I no longer have to gather the same foods every evening and pack his lunch. But it also brings to a close another year of achievements and hard lessons learned.

I had mixed emotions about Logan starting grade one. I had a lot of fears about the struggles he would face and if he was going to be able to overcome them. And I was worried if my voice was going to be loud enough this year to be heard.

He did, and my voice was nice and loud!

Logan learned new ways to cope this year and he learned that not every child is the same and that we all learn at different speeds and that's OK. He learned that we don't need to compare ourselves to one another and that his achievements that he meets are the greatest for him in his own ways.

I am ever so grateful for the teacher that he had this past year. She actually listened to what I had to say and made things happen. She came in countless mornings to work with Logan on a program for his writing. She met with me whenever I had concerns and communicated so well. She was a dedicated teacher.

I have learned many new things about Logan this past year as well. And some things we are still getting to learn about him. As his mother I thought I knew everything there was to know about him, but school life is a completely different life then home life and I got a small glimpse into that when I was observing him during an assessment he had.

Logan is still eager to learn, although he does have his days where he doesn't like school as much, but his love for learning is still there.

He is very excited to begin his journey in grade two and our ASD journey will continue on. Teaching us all a little something along the way.

Struggles

The struggle is real some days.

Some days I just want to crawl back under the covers and pretend the day never started. Those days I realize that he is different. He doesn't cope like other kids do. He doesn't process like other kids do. He is not able to achieve like other kids do. But in his own ways he does.

The struggle was real last night. We were going over the beloved word spelling list that we get each week. Eight words along with a bonus word make up the quiz. We take the whole week to prepare for the quiz on Friday. I have to tackle this task with someone who isn't a fan of writing at all. And having to be careful to not pass his tipping point and being able to recognize when we are at that point can be tricky sometimes. Last night didn't go so well. It usually gets more difficult as the week progresses, because he is simply too overwhelmed and tired from school everyday. The expectations that are put on him right now are no different then any other child in his class. (A battle we are still working on with the school) He is held at the same standards as all his other peers, even though he operates on a different processing system.

We came to the bonus word "cousin." Simple enough you would think right?

Wrong.

I try many different ways and use many different examples on trying to get him to recognize the different letters in the word and some that he may not think are even there. He adds extra letters takes them away, tries to guess and just stick letters anywhere and with each try the frustration and anger grow. And then the words slip out of his mouth, he wants to quit school.

This child entered school with eagerness to learn. He loved going to school so much that in the beginning we had a difficult time transitioning from going to school to going home. He thought when he left school everyday that he wasn't coming back. That took about a week for him to realize that he goes home everyday and comes back every morning.

But this child, my son now in grade one is being pushed to his limits everyday. Is being expected to achieve at the same rate as his peers has had too much. I feel like the school system is failing him. I always ask myself, why after three years am I still pushing for the same things that I started when we first got his diagnosis? Why can't they clearly see that he is not at the same level as other children? We are almost halfway through May and the school year is ending. Next year he will be in grade two and the expectations will be greater and they will come faster. His struggles he has this year will only be amplified more next year. I am only asking for help for my son so that he can achieve his full potential, but yet we are denied.

The school system only knows what happens at school. They are not there when the child comes home. They are not there when they are not able to cope with anything anymore because they are just too overwhelmed from the day. They are not there when tears are running down the child's face because a task that the school see as so simple isn't for them. They are not there when the child is hitting themselves in the head because they are frustrated and angry.

They are not there.

My child wants to quit school.

Clearly something somewhere is failing, and it's not my son.

Fries please!

Our family decided to go out for dinner tonight and so the mission to find a place that would satisfy everyone began. My first thought that came to mind was that they needed to have fries. If they didn't have fries the place was a no go.

I know you must be wondering, why does she want fries so badly? Well it wasn't for me, it was for my son. The only thing he will eat when we go out is fries. 

We picked a place that seemed good, I know we had been there before but it had been quite some time since eating there. We sat down at our table and when the waiter came we ordered. And when we said "just a side of fries for our son" We got the look. The look that said, how can you let your child eat just fries for dinner? But this time we didn't just get the look the waiter then went on to say to us "well at least he will eat something." 

If he only knew, and he almost did. I looked at him and I almost blurted it out. I almost said to him well my son is autistic. But I didn't. I just smiled at him and kept my thoughts to myself. He passed judgement on us and on Logan so quickly. If he only knew the struggles he has daily with his diet. If he only knew how difficult it is for Logan to accept a new food. 

I don't feel like I need to explain my son everywhere we go. I feel the most pressure when he gets invited to parties and the parents will say to me afterwards that he didn't eat anything, that he didn't have any cake. But I get the judgement looks all the time. The looks when we pick something out at the grocery store and the packaging isn't just right for him. Well why can't he just have the other one or the other flavor? And you know I honestly can't answer that question, because I don't know myself.

These things make sense to him, but no one else. He thinks in different ways then we do. His thought process is different then ours. Among a world of people accepting different people, I feel sometimes that, that is not the case for my son. To be judged so quickly by a stranger that doesn't know our story at all does hurt. To think that I am that horrible mother that lets my child eat junk all the time instead of eating something healthier pains me to no end.

I have fought for my son and advocated for him. We just returned to see a new dietitian, whom I think will be great to work with Logan to hopefully help him to introduce some new foods into his diet, which could take us a very long time but we will stick with it.

I think that still today we need to learn not to pass judgement so quickly. I wrote a post a while back about a resident that taught me that lesson and that memory still sticks with me today. 

Accept the difference in people, don't judge it.

Today is your day!

Today is your day!

Today you turn three!

My baby girl, your growing so fast right in front of me. You wake up every morning to see what adventures await you. You have so much love and spunk in you, it's sometimes hard to keep up with you. You have a huge caring heart and always make sure everyone is ok, even after they sneeze! You love Moose and Kiwi, almost to the point of strangulation, but it's ok they love you back too.

Your such an innocent child. You see all the good in the world and nothing bad. You always have a smile for everyone and love saying "hi" and "goodbye" and yes the sentence would never be finished if you didn't say "see you later."

You love to play with your big brother (and fight) and your an awesome little sister to him. You share so well and you can share your goldfish crackers, even if you don't have that many left.

Your beautiful inside and out. Your smile is contagious. And I'm pretty sure that the Frozen dvd is thoroughly worn out!

Today is your day and I hope that you realize on this day how special and unique you are and see all the love that surrounds you everyday.

Happy Third Birthday Brynleigh!

(This is an old post I forgot to publish)



My Hopes

I was out and about at some of the stores today and everyone was busy rushing around getting everything they needed to bring in the New Year. The grocery store was packed as was the wine store attached. My reason for being there was to get a couple of more things for our belated Christmas dinner tomorrow.

I know there will be lots of people out tonight and over at friends houses celebrating. And I felt a little sad knowing that I will be sitting at home by myself and alone after I put the kids to bed. But I traded in those party times for quiet nights like this six years ago, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I have two wonderful children that fill my life with so much love and energy. They keep me learning everyday and show me how strong I can be. Some days are easier then others. Some have fewer meltdowns then most, but it's a package deal.

This past year, we were able to successfully take a big step forward with Logan's school and it felt so good. I try to advocate as best as I can for him, and sometimes I need to push a little harder for him. I know we keep moving in the right direction for him, but it isn't always easy and I had shed a few tears along the way. Even though we have to go through all these steps and it isn't easy, I still wouldn't trade him for anything. My hope in the New Year for him is that he is able to add a new food to his small list that he eats now. I know it seems small and to many they can't understand why it is such a struggle, but it would be a huge feat for him to be able to do that.

Brynleigh turns four in April and will be starting school in September with Logan, which I know she is really excited about doing. My hope for her in the New Year is that she is continues to be her unique self. Keep smiling everyday girl, it puts a smile on everyone else's face too!

This coming New Year, my hope for myself is to have more patience. More patience with the kids, my husband, my sister and work. Sometimes I get too stressed out and take on too much and I need to be able to make sometime for myself. Without children around. No matter what age they are it can still be overwhelming sometimes.

I'm excited to become an Aunt this coming year and be able to be there for my sister and support her and answer her questions for her. I know she is going to make a great Mom!

My hopes for the New Year are not big and grand in anyway, but they are just right for us.

We wish you and your family a happy New Year!

Six Years

Can I Carry You?

I guess that I can hold you

one more time before you grow.

And tell you that I love you

so that you will always know.

Please let me tie your shoe again.

One day you'll tie your own.

And when you think back to this time

I hope it's love I've shown.

Can I help you put your coat on?

Can I please cut up your meat?

Can I pull you in the wagon?

Can I pick you out a treat?

One day you might just care for me,

so let me care for you.

I want to be a part

of every little thing you do.

Tonight could I please wash your hair?

Can I put toys in the bath?

Can I help you count your small ten toes

before I teach you math?

Before you join a baseball team

can I pitch you one more ball?

And one more time can I stand near

to make sure you don't fall?

Let's take another space-ship ride

Up to the Planet Zoor.

Before our Cardboard Rocket

doesn't fit us anymore.

Please let me help you up the hill.

while you're still too small to climb.

And let me read you stories

while you're young and have the time.

I know the day will come

when you will do these things alone.

Will you recall the shoulder rides

and all the balls we've thrown?

I want you to grow stronger

than your Mom could ever be.

And when you find success

there will be no soul more proud than me.

So will you let me carry you?

One day you'll walk alone.

I cannot bear to miss one day

from now until you've grown.

~Author Unknown~

Happy 6th Birthday to one amazing little man!

Love you more then you can ever imagine! 

Two Dimes

Two coins.

That's it. They changed our relaxing evening in a second. We were all sitting there watching t.v when Logan started choking. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what he was choking on, as he was playing games on his tablet. His face turned all red and he was drooling so much. The look on his face was panic and fear. A lot of fear. I am currently CPR trained and certified as it is a requirement as part of my job, but do you think I actually put any of that into action?

No.

I was the terrified mother not able to make my brain work properly. He was eventually able to breath and he was so scared. He was crying and saying it hurt and I was trying to figure out what he had swallowed. He finally told us he had swallowed two dimes that he was holding in his mouth. And he said they were still in his throat.

I wasn't sure if it was just the residual pain of them going down or if they were actually still stuck there. There was also the unknown if they actually went into his tummy or his lungs.

I knew at that point a trip to the hospital was going to happen.

Amazingly I was surprised at how quickly we got in and out of the hospital. Two hours from triage to walking out the door.

I know now that we can joke about this and laugh about it, but at the time it was a very scary situation.

We were asked to return in seven days to make sure they had passed. We went back today to get the repeat x-ray done and thankfully they were no longer in his tummy. The doctor had asked if I wanted to see the picture and I thought, well Logan would probably get a kick out of seeing them. So he was able to see the two x-rays, the one you could clearly see the two dimes sitting there and then the second was just his tummy. He thought it was so neat!

On our drive home Logan started singing along with the song on the radio, so I turned it up. We belted it out to the song "Best day of my life." I thought it was a bit ironic, seeing how he must have thought this was the best day of his life knowing that he no longer had two dimes in his tummy.

He now knows that money goes straight in the piggy bank and not in his mouth.

We made a trip out to Oshawa to see Great Grandma and Great Grandpa this past week and his Great Grandpa gave him some dimes, and I am happy to report that they all made it into the piggy bank!