The strength of a baby

I was sitting up with our almost four month old the other night for one of those million of the night feedings. We sit there in silence and stare at each other. The rest of the house asleep and completely quiet. And she grips my fingers with such strength that they actually start to go numb after a bit. And all I could think was this moment came close to not happening.

I can't help myself. I keep going back to those moments. The moments where we almost lost our little girl. It was terrifying. And I know most people might be tired of hearing me say it, but to this day I am still processing it. I'm still trying to come to terms with everything that had happened, to both her and I. My third child and the birth should have been a breeze. It was anything but. My emotions still run high when I let my mind think about it too much. I don't let a lot of people know how I feel most of the time. It's hard to express my exact feelings, or what exactly I feel. I think most times that people won't understand how I'm feeling because it's not something that they experienced. 

I'm not sure if this is something I will ever get over. I don't know if there will ever be a day where tears don't start to pool in my eyes. I don't know how others deal with things like this. And I'm not sure how I'm suppose to process my feelings. 

There are days though that I get frustrated with her. I'm sleep deprived. My patience wears thin. I have two other children begging for my attention and then it hits me in those moments. I could have walked away that day without a third child. I try to enjoy the moments, and take everything in, because it's amazing that she, a tiny little human had the strength that day to hold on. To fight. To make it through to live. The strength of a baby is amazing. 

They are tiny, but they are mighty.

So squeeze my finger as tightly as you want baby girl. For on our toughest days I need that small reminder to not take a moment for granted.

Welcome Nora Belle!

We were team green for this pregnancy!

Just like my other two children, this one wanted to keep the tradition alive and stay in past their due date. I thought this being our third child I would get a little lucky and they might decide to come a little early. No such luck for me.

Days kept passing by and I kept getting false labor signs. I even had time-able contractions, but they ended up going nowhere. The date was set for an induction Saturday September 3rd our third child would be here. Well the baby had other plans.

The night before on Friday I had decided to get my last relaxing bath I was going to have for a while. Sitting there relaxing I sat forward and felt something. Thinking to myself surely that can't be my water?! I didn't feel anything else so I didn't think much of it. Well until there was another gush of fluid and there was no mistaking it this time! I got up from the bath and it wouldn't stop!

Finally was able to make to the point where I was dressed, which was pointless because I was already soaking wet. Called down to my husband he better get some towels for the car because it's not stopping. Called my Mother, who was able to basically fly over here on her bike in a speed I had not seen before from her!

And we were off to the hospital.....on labor day weekend no less!

Did I forget to mention that the highway was packed on this day?! In town route it was to be. Which was just as equally packed to let you know.

Days later....I mean what felt like days later we reached the hospital. We reached the delivery ward and were triaged to make sure that it was actually my water that had broken. I was like listen ladies I surely didn't pee myself the whole way here, I have it running down my legs for crying out loud!

Finally we were admitted and on our way at around 7:00 pm. We had a great nurse and for the first time we didn't have our OB, but the one on call was just as nice. She ended up breaking my fore waters and was feeling for the head and she got a weird look on her face. The OB determined that our baby was face presenting. She was trying to come out looking at the world and wanting to see everything first hand. I was told that the only thing I had in my favor at this point was that this was my third child. So she was going to to wait and see if the baby changed it's position.

Things started to get interesting the first time the alarm went off. I had heard that type of alarm before with our daughter Brynleigh, so I wasn't too overly concerned at that point. The nurse casually came in and turned it off, like it was no big deal. She was still in the room when she witnessed the next decel happen. The baby's heart rate slowed down so much I honestly thought it was going to stop. The next thing I knew the nurse was yelling out into the hallway for more help. I was put on oxygen in a matter of seconds. From there things just seemed to happen all too quickly. The OB had come in and was reading a consent form to me. Consent for a C section. My emotions were all over the place. The one thing I didn't want to happen was going to happen. And there was no decision to make. If I wanted our baby to be born alive it had to happen.

I calmed myself down, eventually and called my Mother before going into the OR. I wanted her to know that I was OK. We entered the OR and they did all their usual prep work. And before I knew it they had started the surgery. All was going well, until they saw exactly what was going on with the baby. I could hear the shock in their voices. Our baby was not only face presenting, but she also had the cord wrapped around her neck three times and there was a knot in the cord. I didn't hear her cry for the longest time after she came out. It was all I kept saying to my husband. "I don't hear her, I don't hear her." I could only think the worse.

And then the first cries happened and relief washed over me.

My husband asked if I wanted to know what the baby was. I really wanted to see our baby first, so one of the nurses took a picture and Thomas showed me. I couldn't believe it, another girl! It's all I kept saying. I was really shocked!

I am so thankful for the medical team that day. We were told that we are very lucky that Nora is with us today. I went through a tough time the day after in the hospital accepting the fact that I had a C section and what could've happened that day.

And now we are home and Nora, so far has been the most easy going baby out of all of them. I'm still recovering, but things will be back to normal with me eventually.

The last school lunch

The last school lunch of the year is packed and ready to go for the morning.

It's a day I look forward to all year long. The day where I no longer have to gather the same foods every evening and pack his lunch. But it also brings to a close another year of achievements and hard lessons learned.

I had mixed emotions about Logan starting grade one. I had a lot of fears about the struggles he would face and if he was going to be able to overcome them. And I was worried if my voice was going to be loud enough this year to be heard.

He did, and my voice was nice and loud!

Logan learned new ways to cope this year and he learned that not every child is the same and that we all learn at different speeds and that's OK. He learned that we don't need to compare ourselves to one another and that his achievements that he meets are the greatest for him in his own ways.

I am ever so grateful for the teacher that he had this past year. She actually listened to what I had to say and made things happen. She came in countless mornings to work with Logan on a program for his writing. She met with me whenever I had concerns and communicated so well. She was a dedicated teacher.

I have learned many new things about Logan this past year as well. And some things we are still getting to learn about him. As his mother I thought I knew everything there was to know about him, but school life is a completely different life then home life and I got a small glimpse into that when I was observing him during an assessment he had.

Logan is still eager to learn, although he does have his days where he doesn't like school as much, but his love for learning is still there.

He is very excited to begin his journey in grade two and our ASD journey will continue on. Teaching us all a little something along the way.

Struggles

The struggle is real some days.

Some days I just want to crawl back under the covers and pretend the day never started. Those days I realize that he is different. He doesn't cope like other kids do. He doesn't process like other kids do. He is not able to achieve like other kids do. But in his own ways he does.

The struggle was real last night. We were going over the beloved word spelling list that we get each week. Eight words along with a bonus word make up the quiz. We take the whole week to prepare for the quiz on Friday. I have to tackle this task with someone who isn't a fan of writing at all. And having to be careful to not pass his tipping point and being able to recognize when we are at that point can be tricky sometimes. Last night didn't go so well. It usually gets more difficult as the week progresses, because he is simply too overwhelmed and tired from school everyday. The expectations that are put on him right now are no different then any other child in his class. (A battle we are still working on with the school) He is held at the same standards as all his other peers, even though he operates on a different processing system.

We came to the bonus word "cousin." Simple enough you would think right?

Wrong.

I try many different ways and use many different examples on trying to get him to recognize the different letters in the word and some that he may not think are even there. He adds extra letters takes them away, tries to guess and just stick letters anywhere and with each try the frustration and anger grow. And then the words slip out of his mouth, he wants to quit school.

This child entered school with eagerness to learn. He loved going to school so much that in the beginning we had a difficult time transitioning from going to school to going home. He thought when he left school everyday that he wasn't coming back. That took about a week for him to realize that he goes home everyday and comes back every morning.

But this child, my son now in grade one is being pushed to his limits everyday. Is being expected to achieve at the same rate as his peers has had too much. I feel like the school system is failing him. I always ask myself, why after three years am I still pushing for the same things that I started when we first got his diagnosis? Why can't they clearly see that he is not at the same level as other children? We are almost halfway through May and the school year is ending. Next year he will be in grade two and the expectations will be greater and they will come faster. His struggles he has this year will only be amplified more next year. I am only asking for help for my son so that he can achieve his full potential, but yet we are denied.

The school system only knows what happens at school. They are not there when the child comes home. They are not there when they are not able to cope with anything anymore because they are just too overwhelmed from the day. They are not there when tears are running down the child's face because a task that the school see as so simple isn't for them. They are not there when the child is hitting themselves in the head because they are frustrated and angry.

They are not there.

My child wants to quit school.

Clearly something somewhere is failing, and it's not my son.

Fries please!

Our family decided to go out for dinner tonight and so the mission to find a place that would satisfy everyone began. My first thought that came to mind was that they needed to have fries. If they didn't have fries the place was a no go.

I know you must be wondering, why does she want fries so badly? Well it wasn't for me, it was for my son. The only thing he will eat when we go out is fries. 

We picked a place that seemed good, I know we had been there before but it had been quite some time since eating there. We sat down at our table and when the waiter came we ordered. And when we said "just a side of fries for our son" We got the look. The look that said, how can you let your child eat just fries for dinner? But this time we didn't just get the look the waiter then went on to say to us "well at least he will eat something." 

If he only knew, and he almost did. I looked at him and I almost blurted it out. I almost said to him well my son is autistic. But I didn't. I just smiled at him and kept my thoughts to myself. He passed judgement on us and on Logan so quickly. If he only knew the struggles he has daily with his diet. If he only knew how difficult it is for Logan to accept a new food. 

I don't feel like I need to explain my son everywhere we go. I feel the most pressure when he gets invited to parties and the parents will say to me afterwards that he didn't eat anything, that he didn't have any cake. But I get the judgement looks all the time. The looks when we pick something out at the grocery store and the packaging isn't just right for him. Well why can't he just have the other one or the other flavor? And you know I honestly can't answer that question, because I don't know myself.

These things make sense to him, but no one else. He thinks in different ways then we do. His thought process is different then ours. Among a world of people accepting different people, I feel sometimes that, that is not the case for my son. To be judged so quickly by a stranger that doesn't know our story at all does hurt. To think that I am that horrible mother that lets my child eat junk all the time instead of eating something healthier pains me to no end.

I have fought for my son and advocated for him. We just returned to see a new dietitian, whom I think will be great to work with Logan to hopefully help him to introduce some new foods into his diet, which could take us a very long time but we will stick with it.

I think that still today we need to learn not to pass judgement so quickly. I wrote a post a while back about a resident that taught me that lesson and that memory still sticks with me today. 

Accept the difference in people, don't judge it.