This past year after Miles was born I feel like I lost myself. I wasn't myself. I didn't feel joy. I felt like I was just going through the motions of the day. I lost friends that I thought were close good friends. I felt more alone then I ever have in my life.
I struggled on a daily basis. I wasn't sure how I was going to get through many days, but somehow I did. I had many sleepless nights. Some with barely getting three hours of sleep. I reached a whole new level of sleep deprevation.
I cried.
A lot.
This past winter was a very dark time for me. I wasn't present for Christmas. I felt like I was in a fog. I feel like I was robbed of many moments with Miles as a newborn. There are some days I can't remember at all.
But things have changed. I came out of the fog. I started crying less. I started remembering moments more. I started being present more. I started laughing more.
I felt joy.
I started making time for me.
Self care. I have learned its such an important thing. And I have learned that making time for something for just me is important to make myself a better Mom and a better person. So I started running again.
I have the visable scars from giving birth, but I also have the invisable scars that no one can see from this past year and all that I went through.
These days I soak up every moment with Miles as I know that these are all firsts for him and lasts for me. I don't want to miss another moment because I get caught in the fog again. I have learned and I have grown this past year and I will not let myself be dragged back into the darkness.
This song "Rise Up" by Andra Day has really spoke to me this past year. It took on a different meaning for me. I will rise up each day to be there for my kids. I will rise up and be present.
PPD took a lot from me this past year, but I won't let it take anything else away from me.
