Reflection

In just a couple of short weeks Miles will be turning one. And I sit here reflecting on the past year and how as a person I have struggled and grown.

This past year after Miles was born I feel like I lost myself. I wasn't myself. I didn't feel joy. I felt like I was just going through the motions of the day. I lost friends that I thought were close good friends. I felt more alone then I ever have in my life.

I struggled on a daily basis. I wasn't sure how I was going to get through many days, but somehow I did. I had many sleepless nights. Some with barely getting three hours of sleep. I reached a whole new level of sleep deprevation.

I cried.

A lot.

This past winter was a very dark time for me. I wasn't present for Christmas. I felt like I was in a fog. I feel like I was robbed of many moments with Miles as a newborn. There are some days I can't remember at all.

But things have changed. I came out of the fog. I started crying less. I started remembering moments more. I started being present more. I started laughing more.

I felt joy.

I started making time for me.

Self care. I have learned its such an important thing. And I have learned that making time for something for just me is important to make myself a better Mom and a better person. So I started running again.

I have the visable scars from giving birth, but I also have the invisable scars that no one can see from this past year and all that I went through.

These days I soak up every moment with Miles as I know that these are all firsts for him and lasts for me. I don't want to miss another moment because I get caught in the fog again. I have learned and I have grown this past year and I will not let myself be dragged back into the darkness.

This song "Rise Up" by Andra Day has really spoke to me this past year. It took on a different meaning for me. I will rise up each day to be there for my kids. I will rise up and be present.

PPD took a lot from me this past year, but I won't let it take anything else away from me.

There's the light

It's been almost three months since Miles was born and I honestly didn't know if the days were going to get better. I would get small moments during the day where I could catch my breath. I felt like most days I was drowning. I felt like as a new mom I was being robbed of times where I should be happy and filled with joy with this new life I had brought into this world. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I only saw darkness.

But here we are and there is a light starting to appear. Slowly, but surely things are starting to become more normal. We are slowly starting to find a groove. I am angry less. I don't cry as much. I feel a little more "normal". I did a light version of sleep training with Miles because I wasn't getting sleep and he wasn't getting sleep and I just wasn't able to function.

I feel a closer bond to my son now. He smiles at me all day long. We are still successfully breastfeeding (this is the longest I have ever breastfed one of my kids for!) And there was for sure a turning point with Miles and I. It happened this past weekend. I was home alone with the kids. The two oldest were across the street playing with friends and Nora and Miles were home with me. He had just gotten up from a nap and I had just finished nursing him. I laid him down so he could look at me and I waited for the smiles to appear, but what appeared was anything but smiles. Instead it was hives. All over his face. I am no stranger to hives, both of my older kids have had them, with my oldest actually having some allergies and even Miles earlier in the day had some hives, but I wasn't really alarmed about it at that time. But what I wasn't prepared for was the sudden swelling I would see in his face. My almost three month old son was having an allergic reaction. My heart was pounding, all I could think was what should I do? Is this going to get worse, how do little babies handle this kind of stuff? And I did the only thing that came to mind. I called 911. I have never in my life called 911 for any of my kids. I have called multiple times at work for residents and I knew the drill and what they were going to ask me. Whenever I called at work I was always so calm about it, but not this time. My brain felt like mush. My thoughts were all over the place. My heat felt like it was pounding out of my chest.

I was trying to stay calm, but I was slowly freaking out. Tears fell down my face as I looked at my son and his big red face. And as I was talking on the phone with the dispatcher I heard his cries slowly weaken and start to struggle to breath a bit. It felt like help would never get there. What was probably only a few minutes felt like 20 minutes. And then three paramedics entered the house and took over making sure that Miles was OK. He earned his first ambulance trip that day. Way too early for my liking. But he was going to be OK.

That night I couldn't sleep because I kept going back to the crib to check to make sure he was breathing OK, I just felt closer to him. I laid there and thought back on the events of the day and remembered holding him and watching him trying to breathe. And my thoughts went to how PPD has robbed me of the first three months of my son's life. At how much it has taken from me.

And that tiny light, so small appeared and that night I was determined to not let PPD take another day away from me. Knowing that there are still going to be difficult days ahead, but also knowing that not everyday is going to be a storm and to really embrace those days. To try and find joy in each day no matter how small it may be.

I will be forever thankful to my neighbor where my kids were playing. As I called her and told her quickly the situation. Before I knew it she was over at our place making sure Miles and I were OK and that Nora was taken care of. What I didn't find out until after we had gotten home was that she had taken the kids inside her place afterwards and she fed them dinner and kept them over there for a while. What an amazing person she is!

The light is still there and I hope it remains there.

It's sometimes the worst things to happen to us to show us what we really have.

And a shout out to paramedics and 911 dispatchers that are always there at our worst moments in life. Miles had no problem chilling with one of the paramedics and they were all so nice.